Into The Rabbit Hole

So many thoughts going through my head…

Saw some friends from high school. My cousin was part of a production of Little Shop of Horrors.  We had a mini-reunion from the “original” cast… saw some people I hadn’t seen in… oh, a decade or more.  I had a few favorite teachers who attended.  It was beautiful.  We were all adults, equals… on the same playing field.  I still have their graying faces in my head, knowing that Way Back When, I might’ve been the cause of at least a few of those grays…

High school was a long time ago.  It was a different world from now.  In fact, I keep saying how only a year ago was a different world for me, but to look back– really look back over the last half of my life, I’m realizing just how far I’ve come… I heard one of my former classmates– now a teacher at the school– say, “I told the kids to come back at…” I laughed because he referred to them as kids. He wondered what I expected him to call them.  They were kids, after all.  Read the rest of this entry »

Hmmm.  For a woman who knows how to use her words “just so,”  I sometimes struggle with the next thing I’ll say to you.  I have so much to share and tell and teach, but in order to step onto my stage here, I must lose the fear I have that comes along with repercussion of what words I choose to express and how you might interpret them.

Genuinity is so important to me.  In saying it, I can hear the people who don’t love me crying out their *hisses* and *boos!* I can hear them saying things that could bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I realize that in this human form I am comfortable making great mistakes and learning from them; it is with great risk that comes great fortune.

Genuinity is important.  I can tell when a person isn’t being genuine.  I may not be able to decipher a four year old’s white lie– because if she’s genuine in what she’s saying to me, I may not know better.  Genuinity isn’t the same as truth– rather, it’s a form of energy that comes with being real about how you feel instead of falsifying it for your own or someone else’s benefit.  Read the rest of this entry »

So… I elicited a “wow” from a gentleman (well, who knows how gentle- he was) at the gas station yesterday.  It was pretty flattering considering I was make-up-free and my hair was still a little wet from the shower.  I must have appeared angelic to him (you know, I’m just so angel-like when I’m without my make-up.) Yay for eliciting “wow’s!”

I seem to forget about me when I’m not “on the market.”  Interesting phenomenon.  I think there are a lot of people who do this.  When you’re not on the market, you’re off the radar.  Perhaps it’s pheromones.  I don’t know.  But it seems to me that somehow suddenly men are Aware of Me.  Maybe it’s just that I’m aware of them.  I doubt it, I’m a pretty aware chick most of the time.  Read the rest of this entry »

There is so much, yet it is so simple.

Much is to be learned from this experience, and the more I learn, the more I realize I have to learn.  It’s cliché… but it’s never been more real to me than it is right in this moment. 

Sometimes all it takes is sitting down and talking it out with your friends.

Maybe this is all that really matters.

I cleaned my room today.

Not spending my entire weekend up in the mountains or away from home gives me a lot more time to do the things I neglect otherwise.  I love having a clean room.

I found a friendship bracelet that I had started knotting over a year ago.  I remember that I started it while I was at Apogaea in the summer of 2006.  Oh, yes, the beginning of so much change for me.  It was a great time!

I was single, and eating it up.  I was surrounded with a group of amazing friends– amazing men.  It was the beginning of so much for me, so much growth and learning.  Who I was then is a completely different woman than who I am now.

That was the time when I was free, when I was bouncing my head to the music, just enjoying the scenery.  Beautiful people in costumes, scantily clad, good music, great food.  A man fell in love with me over that.  Nothing ever came of it, but it is interesting to know that I was able to elicit that sort of reaction from someone. Read the rest of this entry »

Three exceptional women sat in the lunchroom, chatting about their less than functional relationships with men. At first I was desperately relieved that I could sit amongst women like myself. We are incredibly driven, extraordinarily intelligent, and amazingly beautiful young women. We carry very little baggage, and have a plethora of gifts to offer in our loyal companionships… I was relieved because I was in good company.

These women wouldn’t judge me for mine as they were in similar boats… we all are in less than functional relationships with men who don’t want us like we want them. It was like a slap in the face when the thought crossed my mind: Maybe all three of us urgently needed therapy. Did we really think that poorly of ourselves that we believed that we don’t deserve men who desperately want to be with us as we do them? Were our confidences such a brilliant facade that we have convinced even ourselves that it doesn’t matter to us?? That’s just the thing… not one of us actually NEED a man.

We were three amazing, goal-oriented women who will achieve EVERYTHING we set forth to do. Eventually we will be independently wealthy– with or without husbands or companionship. All three of us are perfectly capable of finding companionship in one form or another– none of us socially crippled nor awkward in any fashion…

Perhaps this was a key point, she pointed out. It’s not that we NEED them, it’s that we WANT them… was that something so terrifying to a man? What was it about us that we could possibly be doing that was so off-putting to these men who we held with such high regard? We all thought that a WANT over NEED priority would be that much more flattering…

Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. I’ve been thinking about how I feel that I DO deserve that kind of companionship… and that what I think I want IS companionship… that relationship where I can be comfortable in my own skin… the kind where I know that I am dedicated to him and he to me… the kind where I want to be the only person that they want to be with– the kind where we are dedicated to each other and I know I am loved both when I’m crazy and when I’m phenomenal… the kind of relationship where I don’t have to constantly worry that I’m going to do something that will scare him off, as he is committed to me… committed to us. Read the rest of this entry »

I can feel it brimming up, my heart’s so filled with joy that my soul is floating in my throat.I’m going to explode, I think. This amazing energy has me all charged up… must keep the nozzle turned to a steady spray, would not be fabulous for a pre-mature ejaculation (thanks for the conversation, Johnny) of super spiritual creative-ness. Stay grounded, Ash. When you need grounding, focus your energy on what you’re in the process of creating.  I think I’m going to focus on more unexpected income.  That would be nice.  Maybe I can get paid for my writing skills.  My mad, crazy authorshipping, word-creating, inspiration-filled SKILLZ. I’m going to focus on a beautiful, happy healthy home.  I can smell the cookies baking now.  *sniff* Ahhhh. Yes, the holidays are beautiful in my calm and love-filled homestead. I will focus on love. Loooooove.  Loooooooooove.  (Can you hear me fluctuating that in crazy uhhhhh ooooooooo noises?) I am loved beyond my imagination. I will focus on meeting extraordinary people every single day.  Divine people.  People who inspire me to be a better person.  People who love health.  And who love their own creative powers.  People who are divine creatures, enlightened and warm. I am focused, grounded, creating at a steady pace.  I will not ride a fireman’s hose, spraying so hard it whips around… no, I have this steady stream of conscious creation.  I can tip toe through the tulips in my beautiful garden that is my imagination.  

I bless myself.
I surround myself
with amazing, kind and beautiful people.
I surround myself
with gifts and laughter and love.
I surround myself
with people I want to be like.
I surround myself
with things that I am thankful for.
I am filled
with hope, love, motivation, and joy.
I am alive.

Life is beautiful!I just wanted to count my blessings… you are so lucky, you should count yours, too. *wink*I have the most extraordinary people in my world.  Whether you’re in my life in person, via the internet, or only have contact with me over the phone, you have touched my life, and I thank you for that.  I have the most amazing relationships that are dynamic, affirming, and affectionate.  My heart is filled with a huge love for you.  All of you!I have a happy, healthy home.  It’s a big beautiful house, and I love it here!I have the most incredible job.  I looooove my job.  I love it so much that I say every day: “I love my job!”  Thank goddess for that, too, because I’ve had some jobs in my life that I haven’t loved, and I don’t just like my job, I love it.  I love it! I love it! I love it!I have a healthy body.  I have a healthy family.  I have health in every way I can have health!  Yay for health! I have an excellent teacher this semester.  I have an interesting class! I have the brains to do well!  Hooray for brains!I am truly blessed.  You’re part of it. Yip yip for me!  Yip yip for you!

*high five*   Carry on.  

Allow the people in your life to be a reflection of your soul. What does your soul look like today?