Into The Rabbit Hole

Dun dun DUUUUN.

Amazing conclusions, I can’t believe it took me so damn long to come to this!!!!

Okay, so do you remember how I have said that I feel like my relationships have impermanence? How then, suddenly I lost so many of my friends?

Guilty! I totally recognize that I created this. Here’s how:

What I believe is what I get. If I believe that no relationship is permanent, I end up not fighting for the friendship when troubles arise. To me, as an Impermanent Relationship Maker, it’s pointless in trying to fight the fight for a friendship that, in my mind, will eventually be lost anyway. So I don’t put up a fight, I walk away.

Now, this is not to say that I could have saved every one of my friendships by doing some addressing, but at least then I wouldn’t have felt so abandoned. Really, what I was experiencing was my OWN abandonment of the relationships. Aha!

Amazing.

Lesson learned.

My new way of addressing friendships is this: Permanent, long lasting, lifetime friendships. Not all of my new relationships will necessarily fall into that category, but since I will be seeking with an attitude that attracts those kinds of friendships, I anticipate having that many more of them.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the logic in a situation when you’re emotionally involved.

As it turns out, the timing is ALWAYS perfect. I was desiring some new friends, and *poof* here I have them. Yesterday, almost out of the blue, our neighbors, whom we’d always been friendly with, invited us over to hang out and celebrate Jon’s birthday. It was a last minute invite, and of course Landon & I had no plans. So we arrived, beer in hand, at our nearby destination at the house across the street from ours.

They have an absolutely lovely home, filled with all the good times a group of people could ask for. And as it turns out, they are much like us in MANY ways. They’re easy going, fun to be around, enjoy billiards, conversation, good attitudes, great food, dogs, kids, and all the things we are looking for in companionship!! Our other cool neighbors showed up, too, and it was a grand ole time!

The beautiful part is that we can enjoy each other’s company, and we don’t have far to travel to return home. I’m very excited about these new friendships.

Now, as I recover from last night, coffee in hand (and on my sweatshirt), I can throw my feet up and lean back and remember what it was like being a powerful creator. It’s always perfect, and I’m very good at this. *squeal*

And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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Rio left me a year ago.  I still mourn for my loss of him. Now I have Max.  And I still have Tobester.  It’s amazing how attached to an animal one can be. I think perhaps my revisitation of my mourning for my beloved cat is what’s exacerbating my lack of patience for my current pets.  Be frustrated.  Don’t get too close to them, because part of being a pet owner is that their life span is significantly shorter than humans. I always think of myself as such an optimist. Yet when it comes to relating myself with anything else in life, I recognize its fleeting nature.  Relationships with pets, friends, men, family… it’s all fleeting.  It sounds so pessimistic. I try to make it sound so Laissez faire about it.  So unaffected.  Being the psychoanalytical person that I am, I recognize this as a coping mechanism… one that I’m comfortable with, one that I’m not necessarily trying to let go of. Really, what I’m trying to hide is my fear of abandonment.  A brilliant mind recently reminded me that there is nothing to fear if you never claim to Have what it is you fear of losing. How very enlightened!  It’s true.  If you do not Have something or someone, it is impossible to lose them.  Instead, you can experience and appreciate your times together for what they are.  This allows you to be completely involved in the moment as it is, rather than worrying about placing a title or a role onto each situation.  The naming game is something that an analytical person does, so I must fight against my nature.  It’s not about defining a moment, it’s about experiencing it.  It’s not about staking claim over a person or thing.  Staking claim leads to coveting. Coveting is almost as evil of a word as jealousy.   And abandonment. Be in the moment.  

To my lost people:To those I’ve left behind…
I still think of you.  And I think about contacting you.  I’m certain I could if I really wanted to. And I devise my game plan in my head about how I’ll get your email address or your number.  I even rehearse what I’d say to you. “Hi, I know we haven’t talked in a while… I know that the last time we spoke, there was something negative, [blah blah blah]; I know you might not really care to hear from me right now, but I was thinking about you, so I thought I’d say hello…”The problem is that I don’t do things haphazardly.  I think things through before I cut ties.  I am very cautious, and I am always weighing all my options.  I quit communicating with you for a reason.  So yes, I wonder.  But apparently I don’t care enough to call.  And likewise.  Apparently it goes the same for you.  It’s not like you couldn’t look me up.  You could easily find me on Myspace.  Or Google my name.  Hell, you probably even know where I live.  But you don’t find me.

Sometimes people come and they go.  Sometimes they’re in your life for a reason, to give you a contrast, to teach you a lesson.  I’ve learned mine, and perhaps that’s why I won’t reach you again.