Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  (more…)

I’ve lost a lot recently.  But I’ve also gained a lot. If nothing else (and there is much more than nothing), I have gained a lot of understanding and acceptance and knowledge of how and who I am.I’m going through this extraordinary growth spurt, and sometimes it’s frightening to change, sometimes I feel like things are spiraling out of control and I turn around to look back, reaching for something that was once familiar, only to be turned into a pillar of salt that will melt away at the first sight of weather.  I keep plowing away, hoping that I don’t run over anything in my path, keep chugging away at full steam ahead, abandoning caution and cares, just pummeling forward with only my destination and my goals in mind.  It’s a freight train that I’m desperately trying to steer, desperately hoping I don’t get side tracked or take the wrong path.

Breathe.

(more…)

What a beautiful life.  I cannot even begin to completely express to you how purely blessed I am!  I have become surrounded by the most spectacular circumstances and people imaginable!
I’m going to need you to believe and trust me on this. I am going to need you to try it and see what becomes of it.  This life has more phenomenal opportunities to experience than you can even fathom!Within the last several months, I have met some of the most incredibly loving, compassionate, passionate, extraordinary people in this universe.  They are all so different and so beautiful!  Everything that is THEM completely complements those rare and beautiful diamonds I have held on to for so long– diamonds who are my best friends and diamonds I find within myself!  I had no idea that there really existed so many people with hearts of gold– with minds and souls of such grace and charm and beauty and infinite wisdom!  I personally always thought that those diamonds were few and far between, and now I continue to be blessed with the presence of such extraordinary and awesome people that the only thing I can do is just soak it up… I’m a sponge, reflecting your perfect beauty!I wish I could take an exact snap shot of this bliss I feel!  I hope that you, my friends, reading this know just how much I love you.  If you are one of these beautiful people reading this blog right now, you will read this and it will strike a chord inside of you, and you will know exactly who you are!  You are amazing!  I have never felt this perfect!  I have never felt this beautiful and amazing.  You have loved me, and appreciated me and validated every ounce of who I am– and because of your love, I have grown wings and can fly! I have been paid the most wonderful compliments in my life recently.  I have been showered with words that melt my soul!  Everything you are to me, everything you say to me, is devine.  YOUR LOVE HELPS ME THRIVE. You must know this much is true: My beloved friends, I love you!

They laid dormant for so long.
Finally, upon given permission, they have pierced her thick armour.
A cyclone of passionate emotion
Encompasses her being,
Encourages her behavior, and
Entourages her lifestyle. A fiery woman, she barrels full speed ahead;
Has recovered her hidden energy…was never missing: now found. SHE has embraced her performance as her own.She’s unstoppable now
Has found comfort in experience,
Has found solace in confidence, and
Has found assuagement within herself. Hope is not fleeting, it is sprouting legs of her own

Current conquest: Learn how to thrive. Not just right now, but always. So what does it mean to thrive??

thrive ( P ) Pronunciation Key (thr v) intr.v. thrived, or throve (thr v) thrived, or thriven (thr v n) thriving, thrives To make steady progress; prosper. To grow vigorously; flourish: the wild deer that throve here (Tom Clancy).

(found at www.dictionary.com)To me, thriving means that I’m living successfully and living well. I’m embracing new opportunities and seeking health as the result of every decision. Thriving means that I’m steadily working towards my goals and consistently building a solid foundation for myself (that IS myself) so that when I do come up to the next obstacle (because I WILL), that I’m prepared with a line of attack and just in case I don’t win the battle right away, I’ll at least only be set back to that last wonderful place I have come from. Thriving means that I pick healthy choices: healthy in body, mind and spirit. Instead of choosing to sit on my ass all day in front of a video game or the television, I choose to be productive. Instead of watching or reading the news, I create my own news– something that is exciting and inspirational for me to go back and read. Instead of choosing frustration, I will choose an attitude that embraces opportunity for further growth. Instead of worrying about money, I will be happy with what I have, count my blessings, and create a situation for myself that welcomes in new financial opportunities. Instead of hating current circumstances, I choose to appreciate where I’m at, where I’ve come from and where I’m going. It means picking healthier foods to consume, drinking more water, being more active, and getting the sunshine and nutrients that my body needs. Truly loving myself means that I WANT to pick these things– it means that these choices aren’t difficult ones and don’t require a whole lot of energy to fulfill. It’s very easy to say that now. However what about tomorrow? What about the next day? Here I was thinking I was invincible, that my spirit and joy was something that just came with being ME; then my roller coaster jumped the track and reminded me that not only do I have to enjoy my good fortune, but also I have to work for it and show gratitude. I dread the next opportunity I have to lose my head, to lose it all again– and that is why I’m preparing a plan that will prevent any future devastation. I’m not quite certain what that plan looks like yet, but I do acknowledge my need for it. I’m thinking that as long as I have the discipline to continue to count my blessings and embrace growth and keep my goals in mind, then I’ll probably be just fine. I guess I probably need a back up plan, too, in case the attitude of gratitude isn’t enough… Any suggestions? It’s spring– what a beautiful time to resolve all the inner conflict I’ve been experiencing. What a beautiful place to be in– to appreciate and to realize. I feel like I’ve awoken from this hibernation which held me captive in its icy grip. I’ve risen to see there are flowers in bloom, green leaves on all of the trees and sunlight everywhere. Excuse me now, I have a garden to plant!