Into The Rabbit Hole

The Happiness Project

Once upon a time, I found relief from the pits of despair.  How?  I focused on ‘happiness.’

Since then, I’ve gone through a relatively roller-coaster-like up and down of life, and find myself on a generally even-keel, mellow calm.

I found this blog today.  A light bulb went off in my psyche.  I want to gradually drag this calm back up to the level of ecstacy.

How?

Focus on ‘happiness.’

This is just one step in the process of increasing my vibration.

I lead a very happy life.   My sacred moments are filled with herbal tea and steaming baths.  My bed is always warm, and my clothes are always clean.  I eat well.  I sleep well.  Plants and books and people I love surround me, unwaveringly.  The sun always shines upon me.  My mind is filled with riddles to crack and the life-blood of joy.  There are children laughing excitedly in my home.  Peaceful music wraps my head, a drizzling of incense, and glimmers of waking life penetrate my atmosphere.  It is a dream, and it’s my reality.

So mote it be.

Have you ever seen a child in a complete state of awe?  Think of what it was like as a child to see something magnificent, like a complicated Christmas light show.  Remember that sense of wonder, that sense of magnificence you felt as you couldn’t possibly fathom the genius who put it all together?  Visualize that emotion in your head, and bring it close to you, near you heart.

I would like to constantly be in a state of awe.  That wonderment, that joy… it was as though nothing else in the world existed besides that very moment.   That is the emotion I’d like to wrap myself in.

When I think of being a powerful creator of my own experience, and I think of all of the beautiful material things I want to manifest, I sort of lose glimpse over my goals…  it doesn’t seem quite right in my heart for me to say, “I want millions of dollars and a Jaguar”– even though, yes, I do want these things physically.  It feels better in my soul (perhaps more tangible?) for me to say, “I want to forever be in a state of awe.”  I feel like this feeling– this emotion within me– generally conflicts with any other state of being than to have everything I need and desire… it conflicts with being worried about money.  It conflicts with wondering how I’m going to feed myself or my family…

What I’m saying is that being in a constant state of awe includes providing for myself all of the material things that I think I cannot live without, like a Super V8.

Instead of focusing too much on the material things… I feel more inclined to focus on the feeling.  After all, it is that feeling of being in awe, that feeling of gratitude, which allows you to attract to you all that you desire.

The future has yet to happen, and therefore you must take full creative authority to paint a picture of what you want from it.

In this country, we can be anything we want.

I’ve learned a lot in the last six months… about myself, about my ability to create what I want, about the pointlessness of guessing what this life will bring to me. All I know is that I’m truly blessed, and that great things happen. Magnificent things happen. It is inevitable, because I look for them– I affirm that they do, and so therefore, that is exactly what I get. I have a certain amount of control– of responsibility for my outcomes, because I pick my goals and my attitudes towards my experience. This, I think, is the secret to happiness.

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I am SO thankful.

I have everything I could want.

We have everything we need!

We have a beautiful home over our heads, plenty of yummy and nourishing food to put in our bellies.  We have everything we need to look and smell good.  The kids are healthy and brilliant.  I have a man who is attentive and confident.  We have family from all sides who love us and care for us.  And feed us super yummy home-cooked meals.  We have a house filled with books and plants.  We have well-behaved dogs and a cat.  We have wonderful, amazing, stunning friendships.  We have more clothes than we need.  We have coffee and cream.  We have reliable cars that get us where we need to go.  We have heat.  We have water!  We have socks!

I can’t help but be grateful.  Really, this life has been filled with abundance, and I’m so thankful for everything!

I have a job I love.  I do well in school.  I am achieving my dreams, and I’m living comfortably.  I have the companionship I desire.  I have the love I crave.  I am truly, utterly, thoroughly blessed in every way I can think of.

This year, I discovered the real meaning of Christmas.  All this time, my head has been packed full of The Wrong Purpose Of Christmas, and I never really appreciated the holiday as I’ve learned to appreciate it this year.

As a young child, Christmas was a “Better Watch Out” sort of tradition, where our parents disciplined us by saying, “Now what do you think Santa thinks of this sort of behavior?” Whomever said that bribery was wrong didn’t have young kids.  It worked.  Christmas was about behaving so that I would stay off of Santa’s shit list and ultimately get lots of toys (everything I asked for).

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And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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Good things just seem to happen to me.

There’s a lot in my head right now, a lot floating around, and I’m trying to interpret it all– trying to figure out what is important to share and what isn’t. I wanted to tell you all about the good fortune I that is coming upon me.

First, there are the gifts. I have received so many gifts recently, it makes me smile to think of it. Today, I got a ride home from an old friend and a co-worker who stopped by the bus stop while I was waiting. “Where you headed?” I told them, and they said, “Get in!” so I did. I rode to my destination with friends. However, I must add that I’ve learned one really important rule: Never trust a man who brakes with his left foot. *chuckle* I’ve been given homemade cookies from a classmate. A beautiful jade plant from one of the facilities guys. A homemade pumpkin muffin from one of our nurses. Good advice from my mentor… so many gifts!!! And you know what else? I realized that people are REALLY nice to me at work. I pass people in the hall, and I get smiles, constantly. People ask me how my day is or how school is going… people who I don’t really even know. They care, and they smile. Gifts… Read the rest of this entry »

The Homestead is looking absolutely amazing!

I was given several hundred books from the Neurosurgery library.  We moved them into my library and throughout the entire process I was entirely giddy.  I have a dream of having a library, one with huge leather couches, big comfortable sitting chairs, beautiful glass lamps, a massive fireplace in the middle, and a ladder that rolls around the shelves.  I will have something more magnificent and classy later.  Until then, I’m perfectly tickled to have what I already have.  It’s a ceiling to floor, wall to wall bookshelves filled with books on everything.  I have kids books on the six other shelves in the basement.  I have five or six more bookshelves in our living room that may end up going downstairs into our library, too.  I certainly am at no shortage for reading materials.  I love books.  People give their souls to books when they read them.  Inside every cover, the papers begin to smell like the fingers that touched them… perhaps cried or laughed over them.  I inherited many of my grandmother’s books, and they are more valuable to me than probably any other possession I have.

Our living space has become a home.  We hang out in there, listening to music… drinking coffee, putting our feet up on our coffee table.  There are hundreds of plants.  Yes, we’re living in our dream home. 

We spent a lot of time yesterday on the front yard.  Goddess knows it needed our love.  It’s looking way better today than it did yesterday.  Man, it feels good to be home!

I love this Sunday morning… muffins are baking, my iPod is playing, and the house is filled with warmth and love.  I couldn’t have asked for better.  This IS my dream.   I love it so much!

The possibilities for my future are coming closer and closer to fruition.  I feel unstoppable, invincible.  I feel like the words I’m choosing seem a little manicky, but truly I am at peace.  I am content.  My hopes, my dreams, my future… they’re all coming to a place where they’re almost no longer just dreams and now are becoming my reality.  There is so much to be had, and I’m having it.

We can do this.  We can make this happen.  At the same time we’re dreaming… but how we feel is what’s making those dreams our reality right now.  I’m living in a dream world.  And I like it!

So… Today is the first weekend of the rest of my life.  Pretty brilliant, huh?  I cannot believe how awesome of a creator I am.  Really, truly.  I am becoming more and more quick. 

Do you remember me when I was in a job I hated?

Now I have the dream job.

Do you remember me when I had a home life I hated?

Now my home is filled with bliss in every minute of every day.

Do you remember me when I was miserable? 

Yeah… not so much any more.  Now I am following my dreams, my heart, my bliss.

To steal a line from my favorite movie:  “Follow your bliss.” You’d be amazed at how beautiful an experience this will be.