Into The Rabbit Hole

It’s good to take some time to come back to terms with myself.  Good to examine and evaluate.  To focus on me.
My relationship with myself is possibly the most important relationship I have.   And sometimes the easiest to let slip away.

I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn and experience emotion.

Without the pain and fears, I cannot truly appreciate my highs.

There are so many core relationships I’ve had that have touched me so deeply.  And with every turn and every inch forward I move, I take those along with me.  Whether those lessons are accompanied with the person in real life, or only within memory, I retain them.

After all, it is not the person that I am clinging onto, it is the memory of what I experienced that continues.

I went to the chiropractor today.  First time in ten years.  I had forgotten how amazing it feels to be in alignment again!

It’s a little scary having someone crack you.  A lot of touching and pressing and swift movements… but it also releases some endorphines, and it inspires me to be more healthy overall.

I don’t think that our bodies are cured through taking pain relievers, and I don’t think health is only about antibiotics and vaccinations.  In fact, I think quite the contrary.  It’s about eating right and getting enough water.  Obviously the other stuff has prolonged our lifespan, but I don’t know that it necessarily improves our quality of life.  Interestingly enough, I intend on becoming a doctor!  How is that?

To me it makes perfect sense… It’s the balance, the flow.  I believe in energy, but I also believe in medicine.  I believe that collectively, we are on the right path.

It’s just like religion.  You can’t always say that one way is the right way– and what works for one is not a catch-all cure for all. Holistic healing alone may not always be enough, but sometimes it’s that rather than the bandaid fixes that will make you overwhelmingly healthier.

I lead a very happy life.   My sacred moments are filled with herbal tea and steaming baths.  My bed is always warm, and my clothes are always clean.  I eat well.  I sleep well.  Plants and books and people I love surround me, unwaveringly.  The sun always shines upon me.  My mind is filled with riddles to crack and the life-blood of joy.  There are children laughing excitedly in my home.  Peaceful music wraps my head, a drizzling of incense, and glimmers of waking life penetrate my atmosphere.  It is a dream, and it’s my reality.

So mote it be.

I’ve been in a sort of hibernation this week… Recovering from being sick.  This weekend has had me in bed by 8:30-9:00 every evening so far.  I suppose I’ve needed the rest.  It’s good, because I’m feeling better, and my skin is looking more clear.  Yay for that.  Sometimes I forget to get enough sleep… but it’s one of those important things that I need in order to function at my best.   I get caught up in being so busy that I’m at a constant “Full Speed Ahead” gear… and I forget that I need to take care of my body… I need to get enough water, enough of the right foods (and limit the wrong foods); I need to limit my toxins and take my vitamins… I need to sleep enough in order to accomplish what I want without being sleepy and so that I can think clearly.  It’s all a balance– between five thousand different aspects of health.

It’s not only physical– though your physical wellness is a huge part of health.  It’s also about expressing and experiencing emotions in a healthy way… getting enough social time, enough alone time, and making time for the things that are important to me.  It’s about being kind to myself and eliminating the negative self talk that I hear playing in my mind from time to time.  It’s about having enough faith in myself to know that I can and will accomplish anything I set out to do.  If that means working full time in a job that requires my full attention, my time management, giving emotional validation to parents who are going through the experience of having a sick child who needs a brain surgeon… then riding the bus on Colfax with a number of… crazy people…. arriving at school and taking challenging Chemistry courses, coming home to a family of two kids and two dogs and a wonderful man– and then taking on the role of Parent until bed time… well, that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I do it all, and I do it well.  But I can’t accomplish this without taking care of myself.

I think that many of us who have the Overachiever Syndrome tend to forget that one very important part of our responsibility.  We think we can accomplish it all and then sleep when we’re dead.  I appreciate the sentiment, but really, we can’t consistently behave like Super (wo)man without taking our health seriously.  Otherwise, it’s just spurts of superhuman performance in between being sick physically, emotionally, or mentally. Exhaustion isn’t very enticing.

Anyway, this is just as much for myself as it is for you.  I forget these things sometimes.  It’s always nice to have a little reminder.  Love yourself in body, mind and spirit.  Self love is imperative when you’re trying to be a rock star.

I believe that much, if not all, illness is a physical manifestation of psychological unrest.  I can say this, having caught some sort of virus, that what I needed– and finally reluctantly gave myself– was a break.  A break from my responsibilities, my constant movement.  I needed to stop and to be still.  To allow my natural resources to find balance again and replenish itself.

At first I felt extreme guilt and agitation… and rationally, I realize that these emotions were not helping the healing process.  After much thought, and a seriously hot, long, bath, I found my center again, and have begun feeling emotionally better about taking today off from everything.

With the emotional tethers let loose, I am now able to focus on allowing my body to recover.

I love books that make me think.

I’m not through the Celestine Prophecy yet because I’m forcing myself to sit through it and think. I find enough value in it to truly reflect what I’m learning. This is all part of the process: learn, reflect, learn, reflect…

The part I’m currently reading has had a significant impact on me. I’m on the sixth insight, which basically says that every one of us has a basic sort of control drama– a way that we control situations and steal energy from other people. I fall primarily into one of the four categories: I am aloof. In order to control a situation, I will be silent, waiting for people to tell me what I want to hear– what they need to say. I have discovered that I can gain attention just by being quiet.

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Warning: this is a sensitive topic.

I feel like I’ve jumped head first into a deep sea of mental illness. This is such a sensitive topic, that I hesitate to address it, but know that for my own sake, I have to write about it. Somehow, in some way, if I can help someone else out with my thoughts, then I feel it necessary to post it. So, I will do my best to be sensitive about what I say. It is not my intention to divulge identities, nor is it my intention to spew forth drama or unnecessary stress… I just want to get some things straight in my head so that I can have a more solid stance on what/how I think and feel about this stressful situation.

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What a beautiful, amazing, blue-skied Tuesday!It doesn’t get much better than days like today. Spring is in full swing– racing right on in to summer. The plants are growing wildly. Planted a garden this weekend– did the whole thing by myself! I’m sore in places that I haven’t felt in a while. This reminds me that my body loves to move– I need to go run or lift weights or jump on the trampoline! I will have a plethora of tomatoes and peppers this summer– ten or twelve tomato plants, three different varieties; three kinds of peppers– from habanero to chocolate bells, eggplants, yellow squash, zucchini, raspberries and blackberries, even a little rosemary! Woo hoo!!!
I’m stoked. I love to grow things!It’s been raining fairly frequently here– an oddity for Colorado; I won’t complain even a little– in fact, it’s my favorite weather! It’s scorching hot in the day and then cools off with a light rain at night. This is absolutely my favorite time of year. I’ve been picking healthier choices recently. Fast food and ice cream are rare, and I’m walking to the grocery store when I have the chance. I’m picking more salads and veggies and I am consuming the fatty acids that my body needs. I’m drinking more water and less beer, too! It feels so good to love my body again. It’s not difficult work because when you love yourself, you want to care for yourself the way you know is best!! I’ve noticed a significant change in my body since I’ve been verbally, mentally and physically affirming the beauty in me. If you’re skeptical, you must try it! Anyway, for some reason today I’m struggling to put my thoughts down on paper… or in digitalese…. So off I am now to the shower: I’ve written in soap crayon all over my baby blue tile: I heart my beautiful body. You’d be amazed what that will do for you with time, too. *kiss*

Current conquest: Learn how to thrive. Not just right now, but always. So what does it mean to thrive??

(found at www.dictionary.com)To me, thriving means that I’m living successfully and living well. I’m embracing new opportunities and seeking health as the result of every decision. Thriving means that I’m steadily working towards my goals and consistently building a solid foundation for myself (that IS myself) so that when I do come up to the next obstacle (because I WILL), that I’m prepared with a line of attack and just in case I don’t win the battle right away, I’ll at least only be set back to that last wonderful place I have come from. Thriving means that I pick healthy choices: healthy in body, mind and spirit. Instead of choosing to sit on my ass all day in front of a video game or the television, I choose to be productive. Instead of watching or reading the news, I create my own news– something that is exciting and inspirational for me to go back and read. Instead of choosing frustration, I will choose an attitude that embraces opportunity for further growth. Instead of worrying about money, I will be happy with what I have, count my blessings, and create a situation for myself that welcomes in new financial opportunities. Instead of hating current circumstances, I choose to appreciate where I’m at, where I’ve come from and where I’m going. It means picking healthier foods to consume, drinking more water, being more active, and getting the sunshine and nutrients that my body needs. Truly loving myself means that I WANT to pick these things– it means that these choices aren’t difficult ones and don’t require a whole lot of energy to fulfill. It’s very easy to say that now. However what about tomorrow? What about the next day? Here I was thinking I was invincible, that my spirit and joy was something that just came with being ME; then my roller coaster jumped the track and reminded me that not only do I have to enjoy my good fortune, but also I have to work for it and show gratitude. I dread the next opportunity I have to lose my head, to lose it all again– and that is why I’m preparing a plan that will prevent any future devastation. I’m not quite certain what that plan looks like yet, but I do acknowledge my need for it. I’m thinking that as long as I have the discipline to continue to count my blessings and embrace growth and keep my goals in mind, then I’ll probably be just fine. I guess I probably need a back up plan, too, in case the attitude of gratitude isn’t enough… Any suggestions? It’s spring– what a beautiful time to resolve all the inner conflict I’ve been experiencing. What a beautiful place to be in– to appreciate and to realize. I feel like I’ve awoken from this hibernation which held me captive in its icy grip. I’ve risen to see there are flowers in bloom, green leaves on all of the trees and sunlight everywhere. Excuse me now, I have a garden to plant!