Into The Rabbit Hole

What’s the opposite of dying? Thriving, maybe?

I feel like I’m waking up. This is what Springtime is for me. A re-awakening. My senses are turned on again: suddenly I am overwhelmed with the smell of fresh cut grass, blooming choke cherries, and the natural scents of the tree bark. I am reminded to observe smell. The spectrum of colors is awake again, and I can’t help but stop in awe of the varieties of colors found within such a tiny little planet. Amazing. I am drawn to touch the new growth, berries and stickers and soft bodies of freshly budding plants; my movements more excited… My routines are more fruitful and my music is turned up just a little louder. Amazing how a (my) human body can lie dormant just like a rosebush. I feed off of my plants doing well. I feed off of tulips and daffodils. I feed off of observing weeds grow six inches in a matter of days. It reminds me to grow, to thrive.

I was dancing in my kitchen this morning. I hadn’t even had my coffee yet. Just shake shake shakin it, Jameson the Dane looking at me with distrust, his head cocked.

Part of my peculiarity is that I appreciate the absurd. As I wake up, I’m more prone to play jokes on the expectations we have. Hence the dancing by myself in the kitchen. Hence the listening to classical piano while riding the bus. Hence the quitting smoking during a difficult time. I’m aroused by the absurd. Or perhaps, when aroused, I am absurd. *chuckle*

I love having the windows open. I love the music playing. I love nag champa burning. Bells from the neighbor’s wind chime float in on the breeze right through my window, and they dance with my houseplants. I love this season. I love remembering to wake up. I can’t wait for my partner to be home so I can share this with him.

I lead a very happy life.   My sacred moments are filled with herbal tea and steaming baths.  My bed is always warm, and my clothes are always clean.  I eat well.  I sleep well.  Plants and books and people I love surround me, unwaveringly.  The sun always shines upon me.  My mind is filled with riddles to crack and the life-blood of joy.  There are children laughing excitedly in my home.  Peaceful music wraps my head, a drizzling of incense, and glimmers of waking life penetrate my atmosphere.  It is a dream, and it’s my reality.

So mote it be.

It’s looking brighter.  Healthier.

Glowing.

I’m excited, and anticipating.  Everything is literally falling into place.

You know the saying?  When doors close, more open up.  It is a rule.

I love this fancy game.

Have you ever seen a child in a complete state of awe?  Think of what it was like as a child to see something magnificent, like a complicated Christmas light show.  Remember that sense of wonder, that sense of magnificence you felt as you couldn’t possibly fathom the genius who put it all together?  Visualize that emotion in your head, and bring it close to you, near you heart.

I would like to constantly be in a state of awe.  That wonderment, that joy… it was as though nothing else in the world existed besides that very moment.   That is the emotion I’d like to wrap myself in.

When I think of being a powerful creator of my own experience, and I think of all of the beautiful material things I want to manifest, I sort of lose glimpse over my goals…  it doesn’t seem quite right in my heart for me to say, “I want millions of dollars and a Jaguar”– even though, yes, I do want these things physically.  It feels better in my soul (perhaps more tangible?) for me to say, “I want to forever be in a state of awe.”  I feel like this feeling– this emotion within me– generally conflicts with any other state of being than to have everything I need and desire… it conflicts with being worried about money.  It conflicts with wondering how I’m going to feed myself or my family…

What I’m saying is that being in a constant state of awe includes providing for myself all of the material things that I think I cannot live without, like a Super V8.

Instead of focusing too much on the material things… I feel more inclined to focus on the feeling.  After all, it is that feeling of being in awe, that feeling of gratitude, which allows you to attract to you all that you desire.

The future has yet to happen, and therefore you must take full creative authority to paint a picture of what you want from it.

In this country, we can be anything we want.

I’ve learned a lot in the last six months… about myself, about my ability to create what I want, about the pointlessness of guessing what this life will bring to me. All I know is that I’m truly blessed, and that great things happen. Magnificent things happen. It is inevitable, because I look for them– I affirm that they do, and so therefore, that is exactly what I get. I have a certain amount of control– of responsibility for my outcomes, because I pick my goals and my attitudes towards my experience. This, I think, is the secret to happiness.

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I am SO thankful.

I have everything I could want.

We have everything we need!

We have a beautiful home over our heads, plenty of yummy and nourishing food to put in our bellies.  We have everything we need to look and smell good.  The kids are healthy and brilliant.  I have a man who is attentive and confident.  We have family from all sides who love us and care for us.  And feed us super yummy home-cooked meals.  We have a house filled with books and plants.  We have well-behaved dogs and a cat.  We have wonderful, amazing, stunning friendships.  We have more clothes than we need.  We have coffee and cream.  We have reliable cars that get us where we need to go.  We have heat.  We have water!  We have socks!

I can’t help but be grateful.  Really, this life has been filled with abundance, and I’m so thankful for everything!

I have a job I love.  I do well in school.  I am achieving my dreams, and I’m living comfortably.  I have the companionship I desire.  I have the love I crave.  I am truly, utterly, thoroughly blessed in every way I can think of.

The Homestead is looking absolutely amazing!

I was given several hundred books from the Neurosurgery library.  We moved them into my library and throughout the entire process I was entirely giddy.  I have a dream of having a library, one with huge leather couches, big comfortable sitting chairs, beautiful glass lamps, a massive fireplace in the middle, and a ladder that rolls around the shelves.  I will have something more magnificent and classy later.  Until then, I’m perfectly tickled to have what I already have.  It’s a ceiling to floor, wall to wall bookshelves filled with books on everything.  I have kids books on the six other shelves in the basement.  I have five or six more bookshelves in our living room that may end up going downstairs into our library, too.  I certainly am at no shortage for reading materials.  I love books.  People give their souls to books when they read them.  Inside every cover, the papers begin to smell like the fingers that touched them… perhaps cried or laughed over them.  I inherited many of my grandmother’s books, and they are more valuable to me than probably any other possession I have.

Our living space has become a home.  We hang out in there, listening to music… drinking coffee, putting our feet up on our coffee table.  There are hundreds of plants.  Yes, we’re living in our dream home. 

We spent a lot of time yesterday on the front yard.  Goddess knows it needed our love.  It’s looking way better today than it did yesterday.  Man, it feels good to be home!

I love this Sunday morning… muffins are baking, my iPod is playing, and the house is filled with warmth and love.  I couldn’t have asked for better.  This IS my dream.   I love it so much!

The possibilities for my future are coming closer and closer to fruition.  I feel unstoppable, invincible.  I feel like the words I’m choosing seem a little manicky, but truly I am at peace.  I am content.  My hopes, my dreams, my future… they’re all coming to a place where they’re almost no longer just dreams and now are becoming my reality.  There is so much to be had, and I’m having it.

We can do this.  We can make this happen.  At the same time we’re dreaming… but how we feel is what’s making those dreams our reality right now.  I’m living in a dream world.  And I like it!

So… Today is the first weekend of the rest of my life.  Pretty brilliant, huh?  I cannot believe how awesome of a creator I am.  Really, truly.  I am becoming more and more quick. 

Do you remember me when I was in a job I hated?

Now I have the dream job.

Do you remember me when I had a home life I hated?

Now my home is filled with bliss in every minute of every day.

Do you remember me when I was miserable? 

Yeah… not so much any more.  Now I am following my dreams, my heart, my bliss.

To steal a line from my favorite movie:  “Follow your bliss.” You’d be amazed at how beautiful an experience this will be.

Hello, my beloveds, Change is happening. I am much like a butterfly pushing my way out of a crusty cocoon. I don’t know how long this will take, but I am eager to learn how to fly.

Hmmm. Always taking inventory and assigning a value…Here are some things I looooove:I love my city being immersed in fog. (yes I said my)
I love driving on the highway when there’s very little other traffic around.
I love being surrounded with people who love me.
I love nicely placed black tattoos on sexy men.
I love alfredo noodles with parmesan and pepper at midnight.
I love that it rained yesterday. 
I love Raine.
I love sunshine and springtime and daffodils and tulips.
I love shooting guns.
I love that I followed sunshine, springtime, and flowers with guns.
I love watching a handsome man shooting a gun.
I love the smell of gunpowder.
I love the adrenaline that gets pumping through my body when guns are fired around me.
I love studying Chemistry.
I love studying people.
I love human behavior.
I love it when people finally open up to me.
I love hearing people talk about things they’re passionate about.
I love passion.
I love running into old friends.
I love the “new” Justin Timberlake CD.
I love playing poker, especially when I win all the chips.  I win!
I love learning new card tricks.
I love being called “sweetheart” and not having it be patronizing.
I love plants and people who can grow them.
I love my friends.
I love my people.
I love my pretty people.
I love my job.  Like really love it.
This whole experience, it’s pretty rad.