Into The Rabbit Hole

I feel almost as though I have been keeping something from you.

So much has changed about me– about my writing since I moved my work from Myspace to my “own professional blog.” I have been in somewhat of a hibernation while I’ve been trying to figure out my new roles, and much of it has translated into a loss of passion for my writing. Not that it was ever Gone, really, but that I have been withholding, for one reason or another. I used to use my writing as a form of therapy– a form of pouring my heart out to you… and it has become something different. Something that was less biting, less intimate… and for that, I am truly sorry.

I became cautious… and aware of the infinite capacity I have to rule the writing world of internet… my reader base changed… and I was afraid of saying things that could be hurtful to past friendships that I believed at the time were salvageable. Who I am as a person has changed and grown… and much of this time has been spent trying to figure that all out.

I was thinking, though. And I was doing a whole lot of soul searching… purging the secrets from my past, creating new secrets to share with you all.

Please don’t be mad… I had good reasons to keep myself from you. I had good reasons, and while they were good for the time, I believe I’ve worked all those reasons out.

So it begins.

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Last week was pretty grueling!  I took a four day weekend for President’s Day, so that I could get completely prepared for my Organic Chem exam this week.  O Chem is going to be fairly challenging this semester,  so I’m VERY relieved to have only taken the O Chem lecture and lab and to be doing research. Thank GODDESS for having the wherewithal last December when I signed up for classes this semester to have not loaded up on schoolwork again– last semester was sufficiently crazy-making.  I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.

A four day weekend should have been plenty of time to get ‘er all knocked out and compartmentalized in this here brain, but we had the kids, too… and they were sick all weekend.  Grrr.  This meant that while I *did* take the time to study, it was interrupted at times, and I still had other things to do… like laundry and help blow boogery noses and stuff.   Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  I love having booger noses in my life.  They say cute things and it’s neat to watch them learn and grow.

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Good goddess this life can be so interesting.

For some reason today finds me in a reflective mood. I suppose it’s the end of the year, the holidays, the time away from school (so I can think) that encourages me to be so damn nostalgic.

There are SO many people who have touched my experience, especially within the last year, who have changed me– interacted with me in such a way that I have re-evaluated who I am and how I want to be… it amazes me to think back to where I was a year ago and to see how much I’ve changed since then.

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Yunno me… always thinking.I had a rough start to the day.  I was feeling bad, though I couldn’t quite figure out why.  Could be the full moon, or maybe my hormones.  Could be alcohol I drank yesterday– or all the sugar I’ve had over the last 24 hours.  Maybe I’m fighting something off, or it’s the stress of the holidays, or even me just figuring out this parenting and significant other role…

Regardless of why I was feeling bad, I conquered yet another conflict within me: I felt bad, was able to express it, and then worked through it.

For a good part of my life I’ve been hesitant to express when I don’t feel good.  I don’t want to be one of THOSE people who no one wants to listen to because they’re spouting off negativities… I’ve never liked THOSE kind.  I don’t want to be rejected for my feelings, which is something I’ve apparently been conditioned into fearing.  That goes right back to my good old Fear of Abandonment issues… Alas, I recognize those feelings as such and have learned to identify them for what they are.

I’m feeling better now.  I knew the feeling was fleeting.  It’s been a challenging experience dealing with all of life’s stressors, all of the things that just add to the weight I place upon myself. I learned something new today about myself: be gentle.  Allow and accept the bad feeling, and then set it free. 

I’ve also learned about frustrations… about parenting and financial woes… that I DO actually have a breaking point.  Not that I broke that point, but that I have one.   Huh, and all this time I thought I didn’t!

These, to me, are great things to recognize.  To acknowledge them, validate them, and to allow them works far better than to deny them or to hide from them. 

As the evening rolls in, and my tensions are lessened, I’m grateful for the lesson about myself.  Amazing how I can be solidly into adulthood and still be learning about me.  That’s a good thing, I suppose… that’s something that I think everyone should strive to reach for.  It’s a good indicator that I’m still capable of implicit change within me.  To me, that’s one of the best lessons of all.

Tonight, I feel validated.

With so much going on in my world, I have needed a temporary break from myself– from the constant thoughts that swim in my head.  I have had to take a few days to be quiet… to just Be.

I have been absorbing it.  Re-aligning myself with the inner guidance that drives me towards feeling good.

I have learned a great many lessons through these most recent experiences… learned that as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, that I will get through the maze, regardless of where I end up… I have been forced to trust myself, my judgment. To know that I have my best interests in mind.

I was given some great advice.  It was that one should not go around with their head in the sand, not lie in the dark waiting for whatever happens next.  I believe that I create my experience, through intentions, through thoughts, through my attitude towards my experience… and that I shouldn’t ignore what isn’t working– to address it is far more liberating than to lazily allow things to happen to me.

There are so many opportunities to learn from what we go through.  It’s a matter of whether or not we allow ourselves to absorb those lessons or if we blindly grope in the dark looking for the reasons behind why we go through them.

So… lesson for the day…

There are a great deal of lessons to be learned.  There is a great number of trials we can go through.  Your perspective is everything.  Your attitude is how you control the things that seem to be spiraling from you… don’t let go of feeling good, even when you’re challenged with things that might at first feel bad.

I am so thankful for every blessing that I have.  I cannot begin to express how grateful I feel for the experiences I have.  I was given perspective today… I was given a glimpse of what it looks like to lose everything.  To see this person, knowing he will jump right back on the saddle, broken, tired, and lonely… is motivating.  To see the devastation in his eyes, but still a glimmer of hope… that is a driving factor in knowing that anything I come against will too pass.

Hmmm.  For a woman who knows how to use her words “just so,”  I sometimes struggle with the next thing I’ll say to you.  I have so much to share and tell and teach, but in order to step onto my stage here, I must lose the fear I have that comes along with repercussion of what words I choose to express and how you might interpret them.

Genuinity is so important to me.  In saying it, I can hear the people who don’t love me crying out their *hisses* and *boos!* I can hear them saying things that could bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I realize that in this human form I am comfortable making great mistakes and learning from them; it is with great risk that comes great fortune.

Genuinity is important.  I can tell when a person isn’t being genuine.  I may not be able to decipher a four year old’s white lie– because if she’s genuine in what she’s saying to me, I may not know better.  Genuinity isn’t the same as truth– rather, it’s a form of energy that comes with being real about how you feel instead of falsifying it for your own or someone else’s benefit.  Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not really even sure where to begin.  I have no idea where the start of my story is.  Have no clue what the storyline is, and even less of an idea as to how it will all end. 

There are days in my story.  Countless, sometimes endless days.  Sometimes it seems like even the brief amount of sleep that is supposed to separate one from the next dissolves into a fleeting moment of an eye blink.   I’m glad things are going this quickly; it leaves me less to be impatient over.

I have learned a great deal of things this semester.  So many that I could not even begin to list them all off for you.  The woman you see before you today, though, is not the woman of yesterday.  Nor is she the woman of last year.  The cumulative changes have broadened my character– have given me that many more puzzle pieces that fit into my personality.  I’ve learned great life lessons that many never seek to discover.

The greatest of all lessons is that I have control.  Pure, utter control over this life.  I can have and say and do whatever I want.  If I can imagine it, it is mine.  There is a time buffer– one that I cry about– whine about– try to negotiate with the Universe over, but regardless of the length of time between the moments I desire something and the moment they come forth, whatever I dream of happens.

The most popular desires I’ve had throughout this year have been interpersonal in nature.  I have desired experiences with one person or another– sometimes many people, and from every ounce of desire, exactly what I’ve thought of has come to fruition.  This is more than intuitive assessment; this is really that the people and instances I’ve wanted have shown up on my doorstep.  Those whom I cared not to partake in have slowly fallen away. 

I’m amazed at my abilities.  I’m dumbfounded when I assess a situation with a person and then reflect and have that Aha! moment where I realize that I had wished this very situation in the past.  And now, here it is.

The depth and magnitude of these circumstances far exceed any of the hopes I had for them.  There are no words to describe the gratification of knowing that I can have it all… And in most circumstances it’s not just the desire of my heart– it’s the behavior I put forth into seeking that which I desire. 

It seems so simple.

And yet there are so many things that I feel are difficult.  Intangible.  Untouchable.  And the reason it takes so long for me to reach those goals is because I fail to believe in them readily as I’ve done with so many other things. 

How do I change that?  How do I create within me the trust and confidence in my abilities– even in the “problem” areas?

I don’t know the answer yet.  However, I do know that the answer will come to me, as everything I have desired has. 

Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  Read the rest of this entry »

Ask and you shall have.

There is a slight caveat, though.  What you focus on is what you get.  So if you’re asking for “No Something,” Something is precisely what you get.

This is a lesson.

In the last year, I have surrounded myself with, “No-drama” or “Drama-free.”  Unfortunately, when you live by that rule, that is precisely what you get… you get people trying to avoid drama, and in turn, covering up the things that could possibly lead to drama.  You get important things left un-addressed.  You get people avoiding real human experience for fear of alienating themselves from drama.

Which… inevitably leads to….. Drama.

Okay.  So, lesson noted. 

Now, I have changed my tune.  It was a good experience to try the drama-free diet, but now I’m a firm believer in acting out of LOVE.  I live on a high love-diet. It makes sense, really.  If you are acting out of love, there isn’t going to be drama, right?  Nothing will turn out poorly if your focus is love.

There are a million applications for me to change my tune by.  There are million goals I can set my mind upon and have, as long as I eliminate the interference focal points.   This is a work in progress.  I am quite certain I can do it!

So… in my focus is love.  It is my new lens. 

In my love-filled focus, there is no sacrifice.  Everything I do is guided with the map of love.  All of the hard work I put into this life is done because I love what I do.  All of the lessons I willingly encounter because I love to learn.  It’s not been terribly long since I’ve discovered this, but I can feel the change inside of me already.   I’ll have to let you know how this goes for me.