Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  (more…)

Ask and you shall have.

There is a slight caveat, though.  What you focus on is what you get.  So if you’re asking for “No Something,” Something is precisely what you get.

This is a lesson.

In the last year, I have surrounded myself with, “No-drama” or “Drama-free.”  Unfortunately, when you live by that rule, that is precisely what you get… you get people trying to avoid drama, and in turn, covering up the things that could possibly lead to drama.  You get important things left un-addressed.  You get people avoiding real human experience for fear of alienating themselves from drama.

Which… inevitably leads to….. Drama.

Okay.  So, lesson noted. 

Now, I have changed my tune.  It was a good experience to try the drama-free diet, but now I’m a firm believer in acting out of LOVE.  I live on a high love-diet. It makes sense, really.  If you are acting out of love, there isn’t going to be drama, right?  Nothing will turn out poorly if your focus is love.

There are a million applications for me to change my tune by.  There are million goals I can set my mind upon and have, as long as I eliminate the interference focal points.   This is a work in progress.  I am quite certain I can do it!

So… in my focus is love.  It is my new lens. 

In my love-filled focus, there is no sacrifice.  Everything I do is guided with the map of love.  All of the hard work I put into this life is done because I love what I do.  All of the lessons I willingly encounter because I love to learn.  It’s not been terribly long since I’ve discovered this, but I can feel the change inside of me already.   I’ll have to let you know how this goes for me.

There is so much, yet it is so simple.

Much is to be learned from this experience, and the more I learn, the more I realize I have to learn.  It’s cliché… but it’s never been more real to me than it is right in this moment. 

Sometimes all it takes is sitting down and talking it out with your friends.

Maybe this is all that really matters.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to be perfect. 
Why would a person strive for such an impossible goal?
Simply put, I’ve believed (subconsciously, erroneously?) that with perfection comes acceptance.

In every role in my life, I’ve tried to be perfect.  So that I can be loved.

It’s a pattern. 

There are other patterns, too.  Particularly in my relationships with men: be the Perfect Woman so that I can be loved by a man.  Of course, I’ve consistently set myself up with failure because I’ve always become involved with the Emotionally Unavailable.

No matter how “perfect” I have been able to portray myself, I have never put myself in the right circumstances for the perfection to pay off.  I haven’t realized it until too late, but that’s my pattern.

I recognize this personality flaw in me.  It’s far from perfection.  In trying my best to be perfect, I have been soliciting myself as a woman without confidence, self love, or worthiness of love.  How humbling is that?  Instead of reaching my goals, I have realized just how Imperfect I am.

Rather than being disappointed, I am relieved to come across such a discovery.  The pressure can finally be removed.  I don’t have to be anything other than who I am now.

I am so thankful for this lesson.

There are so many lessons.

First, be aware of who you treat poorly, because you never know when you’ll need them to help you.

There is a very serious story to this, which I will not get into on this blog, but ultimately what it comes down to is that this is a small world, there are absolutely consequences for every action, and you will get what’s coming to you one way or another.

Second, do not put value into gossip.  Do not allow it into your experience.  If you hear it, ignore it.  If it is about you, do not give any energy into it.

I had my feelings hurt today; I cannot allow that to drive me, or to affect me emotionally.  Most people who do choose to gossip do so in order to satisfy a void within themselves.  This is not about me.

I cleaned my room today.

Not spending my entire weekend up in the mountains or away from home gives me a lot more time to do the things I neglect otherwise.  I love having a clean room.

I found a friendship bracelet that I had started knotting over a year ago.  I remember that I started it while I was at Apogaea in the summer of 2006.  Oh, yes, the beginning of so much change for me.  It was a great time!

I was single, and eating it up.  I was surrounded with a group of amazing friends– amazing men.  It was the beginning of so much for me, so much growth and learning.  Who I was then is a completely different woman than who I am now.

That was the time when I was free, when I was bouncing my head to the music, just enjoying the scenery.  Beautiful people in costumes, scantily clad, good music, great food.  A man fell in love with me over that.  Nothing ever came of it, but it is interesting to know that I was able to elicit that sort of reaction from someone. (more…)

I was once told that there are two emotions: fear and love.

While going through the motions of ending a relationship, there are often sad feelings– and I’ve decided those are rooted in fear.

Of course, in me, there are also feelings of love, because in all things, I intend on love.

Love doesn’t quite cancel out fear, but it certainly makes fear lose its power.

My battle strategy: In all things, find love.  Love for me, for my experience, for this life I call my own…

And in that, I find comfort and happiness.    (more…)

*stretch*Another beautiful weekend in the mountains.  I attempt to express my gratitude over growing up in such a magnificent country– a magnificent state– where I can go out, two hours away from home, to pitch my tent on a mountainside, sit around a campfire with people I love, and look around at scenery only reasonably found painted upon thick canvas with beautiful oils and acrylics… but there is no amount of gratitude I could really express to you here in written word that would embody how thankful I really am that I can experience these things– regularly!!!   I am truly blessed, and there’s no other way around it!

We found the perfect spot, set up camp (professional, because that’s how we roll), and then moseyed our ways down the mountain. Just beyond the quaint streets of downtown Buena Vista, we found ourselves soothing our aching muscles and our tired minds in pools of naturally hot water that comes from the earth.  I love hot springs, and there’s little that complements camping better than soaking it up at the hot springs less than twenty minutes away. 

Amongst this beauty, I continue to learn about myself.  I am beginning to believe that 99.99% of my ailments are somatic– brought on by the things inside my head rather than actual physical problems.  I had a gruesome stomach ache for the last several days now, and until I sat down with some ginger ale and some listening ears, I thought it might continue forever.  Instead, after my chat– discussing that stress doesn’t need to be “bad” and that it could, after all, be related to change and good things– I felt renewed… and my stomach pains were gone (and have been for almost half a day now)!

I’m becoming more and more aware of the toxins in my life.  They come in all forms: things I consume, things I think, things I witness, and things the people around me do.  There is no particular “judgment” placed upon these toxins– only an awareness of what they are and how they affect me.  Personally, I am realizing just how much more fully I function without the toxins (not to say my intentions are to necessarily be toxin free), and I’m realizing the “consequences” of these toxic experiences on my body.  Every cell in my being is affected by chemicals– chemicals that can lead to some interesting manifestations of my body trying to purge them.  For instance, my skin is most prominently going to display my toxin exposure.  Not only does my face break out when I’m hormonal, but it also happens several days after a particularly toxic experience for me… This is not to say that I am going to decide this evening that I should be toxin free, but at least I can be more prepared for the consequences should I choose to consume said toxic materials in the future.   It’s like being an informed consumer of life: I realize and accept what will happen when I do THIS.

Overall, I’m in the perfect place to be going through the many lessons that are soon to be presented before me (such as these toxic lessons).  I have everything in order, and there is nothing that I can really complain about at this time in my life.  That’s where I’m at right now: the perfect place, so I can continue to learn life’s lessons. 

I’m excited to know better.   And I will!

So… things have been in a precarious upheaval motion for me over the last few days. My boat has been rocked, and my eyes were quite temporarily diverted. I’ve been shaken, but not bruised. Obviously, there is something to learn from being thrown up against this wall that I ran into at full throttle. So, instead of lying here, being kicked while I’m down, I’m slowly crouching, growing taller and puffing up my chest. Okay, universe!  I’m listening!  What is it that I need to hear and learn?  Give me your lesson! Bring it on, baby!  I CAN TAKE IT AND THEN SOME!  Teach me!

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