First, what IS conditioning?

Humans have this amazing ability to learn. What this means is that based on experiential circumstances, we discover with time and repetition, certain outcomes are brought about.  Operant conditioning is what we call this method of learning.  It was originally hypothesized and tested (a experiment later described as ‘Pavlov’s Dogs’) by a psychologist Ivan Pavlov, and further perfected by a psychologist BF Skinner. So, this whole conditioned response idea really isn’t a new idea, and in fact, psychologists have been working on understanding it for more than a century.

Conditioned emotional response in a nutshell: when we experience something, and the consequence is consistent, we begin to recognize and predict consequences to the experience, and we become conditioned to respond in a particular way.  When you add negative emotion into the mix, that response becomes that much stronger and more ingrained. An excellent example of the strength of this emotional response is demonstrated at its extreme with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

However, a person doesn’t have to have an extreme of this emotional response in order to have a conditioned emotional response. In fact, the strength of the emotion can fall nearly anywhere on the emotional continuum, but would most likely fall nearest the negative end (as compared with its likelihood of falling to the positive end), though it probably will vary on it’s magnitude.  Relative to Positive emotion, Negative emotion tends to have a stronger conditioning quality, which probably stems from the evolutionary function of fear which allowed ancient humans to not be eaten by lions at the watering hole.

So, a conditioned emotional response seems to be a very human characteristic.  It’s a natural tendency that humans use in order to help predict the outcome of situations.

But… is it emotionally healthy?

Let’s look at the word ‘assume.’  Basically, when you are conditioned to respond emotionally to a particular situation, you’re making an assumption. Assumptions are good in the matter that they free up time.  But freeing up time by predicting what the situation will be does NOT ensure accuracy of the assumption.

At this time, it’s important to really think about whether or not you want to perpetuate the conditioned emotional response.

That’s the difficult part.  I can’t say how to make that decision because obviously there are a plethora of situations that this can be applied for.  You just have to really dedicate some time to think about this.  Make a solid decision, because without making a strong choice to change your conditioned emotional reactions,  you’ll never be able to do so.

Once you’ve made up your mind to un-condition:  Much like exposure therapy, where a person who is afraid of spiders has to gradually expose themselves to spiders, unconditioning takes time and repeated exposure to the circumstances with a new consequence.  Remember, emotions are a stronger glue to a response than you’d experience if you were conditioned to something without emotion.  You have to be gentle with yourself.  Be patient.  The new conditioning has to be something you’re willing to work on over time.  It’s not going to change over night, and it’s certainly not going to change with one novel consequence.  But, if you’re willing to work on changing that response, you can do it with practice.

Honestly, I’m not really all that well versed in un-conditioning my responses.  I mean, I have quit smoking before, and that was a conditioned change… but it wasn’t a conditioned emotional response. I have conditioned myself in ways that have withheld an emotional response before…

However, I know this is possible, and I am willing to try it.  You’ll hear more from me when I conquer my next conditioned emotional response, and then I’ll serve as an example and proof that it really can be done.  Words of advice to myself: There’s a fine line between validating your emotions and allowing them to rule your life.

I suppose now is the time in my life where I’m beginning to really recognize the things that happen in my body.  I’ve spent the last two years familiarizing myself with my cycle, and now am focused on recognizing anxiety for what it is.  It’s an amazing process, but it seems as though my recognition and acknowledgment is cutting back on the time I feel uncomfortable from it.

And any decrease in anxiety is fabulous as far as I’m concerned.

I’m somewhat surprised at the level of anxiety I experienced during the DNC.  The connection was extremely noticable when it dipped following the end of the convention.  I’m also beginning to identify my adrenaline as the cause for feeling shakey when I catch myself falling asleep.  First, I begin to notice my arm is asleep.  Then my body very quickly becomes tingly.  And as a natural response to desiring to keep myself from feeling that (to keep myself from falling asleep), my body releases a surge of adrenaline– which naturally leads to anxiety and even panic.  Acknowledging that the shakey feeling is adrenaline and not my heart racing has had a huge impact on the frequency of actually freaking out right before I fall asleep.  Bravo for the recognition!

Also, if I’m feeling antsy, I’ve learned that it’s probably that my stomach hurts– so I take a couple of Tums, and wah-lah, now I’m ready for sleep.  Interesting– because I don’t even notice that my tummy hurts until after I take the Tums and it feels better.  Crazy how that works.

I’m also becoming aware of my triggers while driving.  For a long time, I thought that my problems while driving were an indication that there was something wrong with my car.  Suddenly the steering wheel would feel “loose,” the tires more wobbly, and there was some sort of barely detectable smell wafting from my engine.  Since I’ve begun recognizing and acknowledging my anxiety, suddenly my car works fine.  Isn’t that crazy how that works?

Unfortunately, sometimes acknowledgment of my anxiety turns into focusing on it.  Which turns on more anxiety.  Before I know it, I can’t breathe, and I’m possibly going to pass out while driving. Or working.  Or…

The key is to recognize the physical symptoms and then move on.  Can’t say to myself, “Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic,” because that only makes me feel more panicky.  Instead, I need to just say, “Oh, that’s anxiety I’m feeling.”  And then I must let it go.

Anyway, the whole point of this blog is to say that at 28 years old, I’m finally figuring myself out physically.  It’s about goddamn time.

Drawing the line in the sand, I stand with one foot on the side of calm, cool, confident and collected; the other foot on the side of Bad Yoga Bob,* nervously flailing, sliding into the pits of failure, insecurity, sadness, and despair.

I’m uncomfortable not fully feeling in control. I’m nervous thinking that a part of me doesn’t know what to do in every situation– or worse, is fearful of the millions of ways that things can go wrong. I’m uncomfortable not being in charge of my emotions, especially when it comes to “negative” emotions.

In my recent past, I’ve very frequently discredited any of my negative emotions. I’ve treated them like they were wicked, red-headed step-children (not that there’s much wrong with wicked, red-headed step-children, they deserve love too, but

I digress). I’ve repressed them, denied they existed, and told myself I was better off without them.

To be quite honest, that’s what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that I would push people away by expressing negativity. In reality, I was denying myself the very REAL experience of negative emotions. In fact, I think that part of what I was doing for the first part of mastering my powerful creativity was validating my invalidation of the opposite end of the spectrum. It made “sense”– if thoughts become things, then you absolutely shouldn’t think negative thoughts, especially not accompanied by negative emotion!!!

This perception can be a very vicious process– the moment you start to feel badly and CAN’T stop the feelings because you’re repressing them, you easily spiral out of control.

The truth is that negative emotional experience can’t be eliminated. And it shouldn’t be! Negative emotional experience is another tool in our tool box, it’s an invaluable part of being human. Does that mean that we should want to feel negative emotions? Probably not, but at least if we acknowledge their purpose and VALUE, we can work through them and move forward.

Feeling blue, sad, angry, anxious, irritated, aggressive, etc. IS valuable. It’s an important part of being human because it gives us something to compare feeling good against. If we only ever felt good emotions, we would never really appreciate what it was like to feel good. We’d be used to it to the point where it would just be normal and ho-hum. I’m proposing that negative emotion is the contrast that makes feeling good feel that much better.

This change in perspective opens up many doors to emotions and reactions to emotions. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, it allows me to feel good about it. To let loose. As AmberLotus so aptly put it (and I’m paraphrasing), “Gotta pour the crazy out.” If we don’t get those negative emotions out of our system, they just stay there. They build up. Eventually, we explode. This is not terribly conducive to long-lasting and healthy relationships– with anyone.

Many of the metaphysical teachers have said that negative emotions are an indication that what you’re in the process of creating isn’t that which you desire. Of course. Right. Can anyone freaking spell that out for me in English??

What *I* think it means, and I could be wrong here, but this works for me, so hang in there with me while I spit this out: Negative emotion doesn’t mean you’re creating something bad. It’s an indication that your focus is off, and that you need to pack that experience away into the recesses of your mind, and use it as a comparison– as a strong tool that teaches you that whatever you were doing when you felt badly WASN’T working, and therefore associate as something you’d rather not repeat again in the future. Negative emotion isn’t something to be feared– but to be revered. It’s a reminder that whatever you’re doing isn’t something that flows with you. Whatever you’re experiencing is something to perhaps be avoided in the future– not because the stimuli by itself was bad but because of how the stimuli made you feel… which was bad. Do you see what I mean when I separate it?

Additionally, any time I am feeling bad and then witness someone feeling worse, somehow my own circumstances don’t seem so terrible, and suddenly everything _for me_ is much better. We learned in junior high that knocking people down isn’t a permanent solution to our own happiness, and we certainly (with good conscience) won’t be wishing worse circumstances than our own on the people around us. It’s not the person with more horrible circumstances than me that makes me feel better– it is that suddenly my own circumstances are ones that I’m able to feel grateful for. And with feeling grateful, comes many more emotions that can be contextually compared with the times we were feeling bad, and the cycle of gratitude perpetuates itself. Suddenly those negative emotions seem a lot more important now, don’t they?

I’ve struggled A LOT with being okay with feeling bad: in my cycle, in my relationships, in my head. I’ve felt wrong for feeling bad and have been afraid to express how I’m feeling. In many ways, this explains why I’ve been so afraid to feel emotions– why I’ve been so emotionally flat for most of my life. Of course, its not always been as un-emotional as a rock, because I’ve had uncontrollable blurps on the radar where I’ve instantaneously and temporarily broken into tears or felt giddy– but it wasn’t until the last few years that I truly experienced normal emotion to its fullest. Slowly, I’m coming into my own and discovering that not only is it okay to feel and express feeling good but I it’s also normal and I am expected to feel and express feeling bad.

Still, this lesson is a hard one to teach yourself. As good as I am at self-therapy, I’m also forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone– outside of what I’ve known to be true this whole life.

Much of what I’ve learned these last few months has been the purpose and value of feeling bad– and to become comfortable feeling it, without also feeling guilty for expressing it. I can tell you that this series of experiences have been something that I’d rather not ever go through again– especially not something with this magnitude. As much as I’m thankful for the lesson, I’d rather not remember this once I’m done. *Nods at the universe* Got the lesson down. No need to revisit it. I’m good now… *sigh* But if I MUST recall this series of experience, at least I can do so knowing that I’m taking the utmost value from it and turning it into a learning opportunity.

I suppose you can’t ask for much better than that.

*Bad Yoga Bob, or BYB is a well-intended fellow who goes in to his activity with great amounts of gusto and no grace. He is dedicated to yoga– in that he attends regularly, but he just doesn’t GET that yoga is as much a mindful thing as it is a set of physical movements. He just jumps right in, throws his mat down haphazardly, and usually doesn’t consider how his flailing about affects the other people who are near him. Because he lacks the patience to learn how to do the movements correctly, he often falls down on top of himself– or worse– on top of the people around him. He is completely unaware that he is being BYB because he is completely unaware.

**Paradoxical: adjective; seemingly contradictory but nonetheless possibly true.

***ambiguous: adjective; open to two or more interpretations; or of uncertain nature or significance; or intended to mislead.

****paradigm: noun; an example serving as a model; pattern.

Eventually, I’ll imagine I’m going to come to a breaking point. *shrug*

Maybe not.

I have a great attitude, and am doing what’s psychologically best for me at this time. I’m not starving myself (a past coping mechanism), nor am I being mean or excessively restrictive to myself. I’m allowing myself normal emotions, and I’m giving myself permission to cry when I feel like it, laugh when I want to, and think good or bad thoughts as they present themselves. Overall, I feel pretty mentally healthy.

At the same time, the stress is unbearable. I don’t really feel like I have many people to go to. Yes, yes, I get that I have friends, but some things I can’t share. Some things I just have to swallow, work through, and just focus on the next step.

I am relinquishing control. And surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’m flailing– at least not all the time. Instead, perhaps, it’s a steady slipping. Sliding. Downwards. While I’m falling, I’m looking around for the steps I’ll be using to pull myself out of this once I finally hit the bottom… Pointing out the landmarks that I can use to direct myself out of this pit.

It’s really not THAT terrible. I’m thankful I have such a good head on my shoulders. I know that much of this is my way of proving that I can handle all of this… even though I shudder to think of it. I know I’m a powerful creator, and I recognize that what I’m creating right now isn’t what I’m going for. At the same time, I just hope that I’m about to give myself a break here– sooner rather than later. As much as I can handle it, I’m certainly going to leave this lesson as just a faint memory as soon as I can.

It is about the contrast… makes the good things that much better. It is about the emotion– understanding that I’m capable of experiencing both highs and lows. It’s about handling stress in a healthy and meaningful manner. It’s about…

Goddess, I’m tired.

I feel almost as though I have been keeping something from you.

So much has changed about me– about my writing since I moved my work from Myspace to my “own professional blog.” I have been in somewhat of a hibernation while I’ve been trying to figure out my new roles, and much of it has translated into a loss of passion for my writing. Not that it was ever Gone, really, but that I have been withholding, for one reason or another. I used to use my writing as a form of therapy– a form of pouring my heart out to you… and it has become something different. Something that was less biting, less intimate… and for that, I am truly sorry.

I became cautious… and aware of the infinite capacity I have to rule the writing world of internet… my reader base changed… and I was afraid of saying things that could be hurtful to past friendships that I believed at the time were salvageable. Who I am as a person has changed and grown… and much of this time has been spent trying to figure that all out.

I was thinking, though. And I was doing a whole lot of soul searching… purging the secrets from my past, creating new secrets to share with you all.

Please don’t be mad… I had good reasons to keep myself from you. I had good reasons, and while they were good for the time, I believe I’ve worked all those reasons out.

So it begins.

(more…)

I’ve been in a sort of hibernation this week… Recovering from being sick.  This weekend has had me in bed by 8:30-9:00 every evening so far.  I suppose I’ve needed the rest.  It’s good, because I’m feeling better, and my skin is looking more clear.  Yay for that.  Sometimes I forget to get enough sleep… but it’s one of those important things that I need in order to function at my best.   I get caught up in being so busy that I’m at a constant “Full Speed Ahead” gear… and I forget that I need to take care of my body… I need to get enough water, enough of the right foods (and limit the wrong foods); I need to limit my toxins and take my vitamins… I need to sleep enough in order to accomplish what I want without being sleepy and so that I can think clearly.  It’s all a balance– between five thousand different aspects of health.

It’s not only physical– though your physical wellness is a huge part of health.  It’s also about expressing and experiencing emotions in a healthy way… getting enough social time, enough alone time, and making time for the things that are important to me.  It’s about being kind to myself and eliminating the negative self talk that I hear playing in my mind from time to time.  It’s about having enough faith in myself to know that I can and will accomplish anything I set out to do.  If that means working full time in a job that requires my full attention, my time management, giving emotional validation to parents who are going through the experience of having a sick child who needs a brain surgeon… then riding the bus on Colfax with a number of… crazy people…. arriving at school and taking challenging Chemistry courses, coming home to a family of two kids and two dogs and a wonderful man– and then taking on the role of Parent until bed time… well, that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I do it all, and I do it well.  But I can’t accomplish this without taking care of myself.

I think that many of us who have the Overachiever Syndrome tend to forget that one very important part of our responsibility.  We think we can accomplish it all and then sleep when we’re dead.  I appreciate the sentiment, but really, we can’t consistently behave like Super (wo)man without taking our health seriously.  Otherwise, it’s just spurts of superhuman performance in between being sick physically, emotionally, or mentally. Exhaustion isn’t very enticing.

Anyway, this is just as much for myself as it is for you.  I forget these things sometimes.  It’s always nice to have a little reminder.  Love yourself in body, mind and spirit.  Self love is imperative when you’re trying to be a rock star.

I love books that make me think.

I’m not through the Celestine Prophecy yet because I’m forcing myself to sit through it and think. I find enough value in it to truly reflect what I’m learning. This is all part of the process: learn, reflect, learn, reflect…

The part I’m currently reading has had a significant impact on me. I’m on the sixth insight, which basically says that every one of us has a basic sort of control drama– a way that we control situations and steal energy from other people. I fall primarily into one of the four categories: I am aloof. In order to control a situation, I will be silent, waiting for people to tell me what I want to hear– what they need to say. I have discovered that I can gain attention just by being quiet.

(more…)

Repeat after me:I am a patient person.  I do not allow things that are outside of my control bother me.  I take care of the things that are within my control.  I am a patient person.  I enjoy working with crazy people.  This is why I want to go into something involving the brain, behaviors, and psychiatry. Say your penance thirty times and give the church ten percent.  And you shall be SAVED.