Into The Rabbit Hole

*grin*

Most common statement to me: “Wow, you must have a lot of patience.”

Why, yes. Yes, I do. Patience is the life lesson for the moment. I have patience because I’m riding a bus, and one can never know how long it’ll really take to get to your destination. One can also never really know when the bus will arrive. Sometimes it arrives a few minutes too soon, and you can watch in vain while it pulls away. You’re close enough that you’re tempted to run for it, but far enough away that you’ll never make it before it pulls away. You’re experienced enough to know, too, that you won’t make it because you can count on one hand the number of times you’ve run in the cold, hard Colorado air, lungs about to collapse in on themselves, and missed it.

Sometimes the bus is running late, and you have to stand there, longing for something– a cigarette, a smile… someone to get mugged…

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m reading about being middle-aged in my Human Development class.  While reading about the physical changes, I started feeling my heart palpitate, and I realized that I was worrying about how I’m going to feel and look and live in twenty or thirty years.  It may seem like that’s so far away from now, but I haven’t failed to notice just how quickly the last 27 years has gone by.  It seems like every day flies through my experience, only for a moment, and then, it’s GONE.

Time is one of those strange things that we as humans have created as a constrict of our experience.  Some cultures don’t measure time, but most do.  Time is a way for us to keep track of our experiences, a way for us to place value on every year that goes by.  We celebrate birthdays, wake up to alarm clocks, and can lose our jobs if we do not embrace time constraints.  Time is never relative.

Being patient is a big part of how we experience time.  One must never be patient for anything if we do not have time limitations.  What does it matter how long we sit in traffic, if there is no time?  All that matters then is how much gas we use, what we allow our brains to think, and whether or not we get to our destination safely.

As much as I realize that time is a human construction, I fall prey to feelings of eagerness or some days anxiety, or as in today, panic, over how much time we have.  Once again, this comes down to our fear of death, our fear of life…

It is our culture that places such importance on time.  It is US– WE, who create time barriers.  It makes me question everything I’m doing in this lifetime– this limited amount of experience I have here on earth with you– as to whether or not I can feel comfortable with how much time I’ve put into the things I’ve handled as priorities.  It makes me wonder if everything is worth it.  Have I put enough time into my relationships?  Have I put enough time into my family?  Have I made poor decisions when it comes to wanting my own family, my own children?  Is putting this much energy into school so that one day I might become a doctor– one day in my middle-aged practice, where I will finally make enough money to support myself and my priorities, and THEN I will be satisfied with the decisions I’ve made so far? Read the rest of this entry »

Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  Read the rest of this entry »

Road rage is caused by two things, and ONLY two things: YOUR EGO and IMPATIENCE. I’m not entirely certain that I know how to change your ego.  I think a person’s ego is a personal thing, and is directly correlated with a person’s overall self-esteem.  My first thought is that a person with lower self-esteem may be inclined to ballooning up a bigger ego to compensate for their lower self-esteem.  Low Self-Esteem Guy may be somewhat more sensitive to perceived “wrong-doings” that indicate to the Sensitive Ego Guy (same person, different hat/title) that someone has somehow directly or indirectly stepped on their toes, therefore pressing Sensitive Ego Guy into coming back with a fight in order to enforce the boundaries of said self-esteem.  So, what is road rage?  Road rage happens with Sensitive Ego Guy (formerly known as Low Self-Esteem Guy) thinks someone did something to wrong him and in return aggresses to establish his personal sense of ego.

“Oh yeah?  You think you can cut me off like that? (Or butt in front of me, or make me go slow, etc., etc.) Well!! I’ll show you who’s boss!!!” …proceed erratic and dangerous driving methods that put all of our lives in danger…  Read the rest of this entry »

Repeat after me:I am a patient person.  I do not allow things that are outside of my control bother me.  I take care of the things that are within my control.  I am a patient person.  I enjoy working with crazy people.  This is why I want to go into something involving the brain, behaviors, and psychiatry. Say your penance thirty times and give the church ten percent.  And you shall be SAVED.  

My patience is very thin today.
It seems recently that it’s been a lot less difficult to offend me. 
Perhaps I’m more sensitive than usual, or perhaps it’s that I’m busy and what I’m reflecting into the universe is shortness, failure to think before speaking, and/or inability to take the time necessary to ensure that things I say are not being taken the wrong way. Life is a reflection of what you put out there.  There’s a chance that I’m putting that vibe out there, and it’s exactly what I’m getting back. There’s also a chance that I’m just being too sensitive to what I’m receiving. Because I understand that my emotions are my responsibility, I know that I need to really consider these two options before losing my temper over said failure to communicate with me appropriately. It’s hard owning these emotions.  It’s difficult to say, look this is mine, this I own, and here’s how I’ve decided to address the situation.  Especially when we’re talking about an emotion that can easily spiral out of control for the layman Emotion Experiencer. It’s a lot of work.  I’m willing to take it on, though.  *sigh*.