Into The Rabbit Hole

I’m torn between feeling ecstatic and panic. If this is what manic feels like, which I’ve heard it is, then I can’t imagine cycling through this emotion like a pendulum– one moment invincible, the next moment pummeling through the depths of depression like a fiery comet through the pits of hell… well, then, I’ll pass.

This life is so crazy. Insane. Crackers. Cooo-cooo.

Inevitably, amazing things happen. Of course, then, so do worrisome things. I’ve felt a lot of emotion today… a lot of the precursor towards guilt… not quite guilt, but just enough question in my mind that if I really did fuck things up with so many of the people I’ve experienced in my past, then ouch, I must not be as good of a person as I had thought. At the same moment, right as I’m about to succumb to feeling sorry for myself, the faint whisper in my mind hastens me to stop… Why can’t I be just fine as I am, mistakes and all?

Of course I’m not perfect. You all have followed me along this path of realization that one– that I– cannot always be the perfect (fill in the descriptive role here). I’m not an angel, after all. I may try, but alas, I fall significantly short. So if that is true, and right, and perfect, then why should I feel a negative emotion such as guilt for being human?

My passion for people is proving to be another roller coaster ride… highs, lows, and every place in between. I shed tears for my lost friendships… but in the same body, I recognize that I have three options: change my thoughts, release my thoughts into the Universe, or come to resolve. All of which are valid options, none complete without the others, but some more permanent in healing than the rest.

Choose to resolve. To revolve. To evolve. To embrace the life lessons as my own– my learning opportunities perfectly suited for a Work In Progress such as myself.

How I will go about resolving myself from my sins… is a challenge most people would gift a god. Dear Father in Heaven, save me from myself. Forgive me my sins.

What does a child do who has no Father? Does she cry out with self pity? Does she wallow in misery knowing that no imperfect creature such as herself could possibly pursue the expression of bliss?

I can’t go that route. I can’t allow myself to rot that way.

Instead, I will learn to forgive and embrace myself. In all my passions– my pitiful behaviors– my oversights and loose tongues. I allow it to be my experience, and yet strive for perfection.

They say perfection is god’s work.

And in saying yes, I recognize the goddess in me.

Tonight, I feel validated.

With so much going on in my world, I have needed a temporary break from myself– from the constant thoughts that swim in my head.  I have had to take a few days to be quiet… to just Be.

I have been absorbing it.  Re-aligning myself with the inner guidance that drives me towards feeling good.

I have learned a great many lessons through these most recent experiences… learned that as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, that I will get through the maze, regardless of where I end up… I have been forced to trust myself, my judgment. To know that I have my best interests in mind.

I was given some great advice.  It was that one should not go around with their head in the sand, not lie in the dark waiting for whatever happens next.  I believe that I create my experience, through intentions, through thoughts, through my attitude towards my experience… and that I shouldn’t ignore what isn’t working– to address it is far more liberating than to lazily allow things to happen to me.

There are so many opportunities to learn from what we go through.  It’s a matter of whether or not we allow ourselves to absorb those lessons or if we blindly grope in the dark looking for the reasons behind why we go through them.

Fuckin A right.

There are many blessings. Many challenges.  I do mine big.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will get through every day. 

I have come to understand my paintbrush.  It is an amazing tool.  With it, I create a beautiful picture… one that suits my fancies just right.

Ever feel like you want to throw your canvas on the floor and start over?

Sometimes it’s what you have to do in order to paint the next greatest picture.  Sometimes it’s what you have to do when you count your losses, appreciate the ride, and jump off of the horse in a run… looking for the next great adventure.

*sigh*

I’ve had an amazing day today.  Much conflict.  Much conflict resolved.  Argued with a teacher, even.  Elicited salty tears from my eyes, as much as I silently cursed my ducts to stop.  I was embarrassed, frustrated, and tired.   It turned out lovely, though.

It seems to be the lesson for today… the breaking point has been met.  Energy of Activation, so to speak.  Well, once I hit my threshold, apparently I must up heave as much shit as possible in order to settle things correctly.  It’s how it goes.  Do nothing half-assed.  Riiiiight?

There are many things I wish I had handled differently.  It’s not regret, though, it is a learned experience.  In having those, I have been practicing for the more important ones… like knowing how to generally work with people, even if they’re angry with you… like knowing how to work with people, even if you’re angry with them… like knowing when it’s worth a fight or when you just have to let someone walk away… like knowing that in your heart you have to do what’s best for you, even if other people won’t necessarily like it or understand…

I’m not the ace any more.  I mean, I am an A student, and I ace a lot of things, but I have had many many many humbling experiences this semester.  What amazes me is that even still I hear a resounding, “Top of the Class, Ash;” it’s as though even my teachers, through my tears, through the bags under my eyes, through the sloppy techniques, inaccurate readings, half-done papers, they still see it.  They’re seeing in me even when I see right through me.  It works out okay, as long as it’s not always me hearing, “I know you can do better than this, why don’t you?”

I must say that I’ve created every single thing absolutely perfectly for the circumstances I have desired.  Beautifully, I acknowledge that I can change my mind at any time.  I tend to stick with things, though.  I tend to think things through thoroughly before I make my wish.  The genie in the lamp sometimes tires of me to make a decision.  Once I’ve decided, though, there is very little that will stop me.  In fact, almost nothing.  It’s almost a fault. 

Almost, but not quite.

Yeah.  I can’t believe how difficult this semester is.  I would’ve never expected it.  I can’t believe how difficult this experience can be sometimes.  It’s rather fortunate that I have no doubts in my ability to handle it.  It’s like I’ve said before… now that I’ve had the experience, I know how to do it better the next time.  The next times are knocking at my door incessantly, but it only gives me greater opportunities to change my behavior… testing it, so to speak, to see if there isn’t a better way of handling these challenges. 

I’ve set myself up extraordinarily.  I just didn’t realize it would be this difficult.  I can’t imagine doing this if I had had no say in any of it.  I wouldn’t be able to.  I recognize my weaknesses for what they are.  They cannot stop me!

I’ve spent my entire life trying to be perfect. 
Why would a person strive for such an impossible goal?
Simply put, I’ve believed (subconsciously, erroneously?) that with perfection comes acceptance.

In every role in my life, I’ve tried to be perfect.  So that I can be loved.

It’s a pattern. 

There are other patterns, too.  Particularly in my relationships with men: be the Perfect Woman so that I can be loved by a man.  Of course, I’ve consistently set myself up with failure because I’ve always become involved with the Emotionally Unavailable.

No matter how “perfect” I have been able to portray myself, I have never put myself in the right circumstances for the perfection to pay off.  I haven’t realized it until too late, but that’s my pattern.

I recognize this personality flaw in me.  It’s far from perfection.  In trying my best to be perfect, I have been soliciting myself as a woman without confidence, self love, or worthiness of love.  How humbling is that?  Instead of reaching my goals, I have realized just how Imperfect I am.

Rather than being disappointed, I am relieved to come across such a discovery.  The pressure can finally be removed.  I don’t have to be anything other than who I am now.

I am so thankful for this lesson.

when your aim is for perfection
and you aim in one direction
when you brain just can’t keep up
and you only hear “it’s not enough”
when you feel like nowhere’s coming
and it’s coming way too fast
when you feel like only first place
but you always ever end up last

you’ve got to give yourself
a little room to breathe
a little time to think
and a little time to live

you’ve got to give it time
and make this moment count
because if you were to die tonight
can you say what it’s about