Into The Rabbit Hole

Letting go… it’s a bittersweet.

It’s the fine line between “Is this relationship worth it to me?” or “It’s not worth it.”

If it’s worth the battle, you should battle for it, no?  If it’s not worth it, you cut your losses and move forward.  Is the behavior observed within the Final battle more valuable than all the previous behaviors from before, when you were getting along fine?

All of these decisions.  All of these losses…

I’m reminded of how joyous a reunion between old friends can be.  And reminded of how painful it is to initiate working things out in order to discover that the other party is completely unwilling to come to an agreement.  Something was said or done that was SO hurtful that one party can never forgive it.  Or forget it.  Decreases the value of said relationship.

How does one take a temperature gauge when you never communicate with the other person(s)?

Ultimately, what one must determine is how much energy they are willing to give it.  Do you think they will be willing to rehash things until there’s a blank slate? Do you want to give that much of yourself to do the same?

How would one even begin to approach the breeched confidence?

One of the strangest things about this experience are the interactions we have with other people.

In the last six months, I have struggled to understand why I get the feeling that people come and go in my life. Perhaps it is because in the past I have affirmed it, and because I believed it, that was what has happened. Perhaps this is just How It IS. People come and go. Obviously the saying wouldn’t be so cliche’ had it never held some sort of truth.

I think the greatest challenge for me in coming to terms with the temporary nature of some relationships is that I often put huge amounts of energy into people. After the person has left my life, I sometimes feel like the energy spent was a waste. It’s not to say an ended relationship is an inevitable, rather, it is/was a possibility.

This is not to say I necessarily feel regret over the energy spent– I believed that the energy was well spent at the time that I expended it.

I suppose the best way to be okay with these “lost” relationships is to realize that one can never own anything– neither a person nor a relationship. Everything serves its purpose, and as long as I am able to appreciate the lesson offered from each person, it only makes sense that I would be comfortable with the ebb and flow of the relational experience.

*grin*

Two more exams, and I’m DONE! Tonight is Behavioral Neuroscience and tomorrow is O Chem Lecture.

Thank freakin goddess.

Sheesh. This semester has been so challenging for me. I took a test last night in O Chem lab that was stupid hard. As in, it was so hard it was stupid. Oh well.

I’ve come to terms with this semester. I have made accommodations for next semester so it will be significantly less hard on me. I’ve got two choices as I see it: I can freak out and stress and be emotional over it. Or I can just roll with the punches. I’ve chosen to roll with the punches.

There are so many things I want to do this semester… one of my biggest priorities is to rest. I’d like to see my friends, too, if I still have any! I know, I know, I have many, but some of them seem to have fallen away, and being out of school will be my greatest indicator who’s around and who isn’t because now it won’t be an issue of not having the time to see each other. Rollin with the punches still.

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Just a moment ago, I just went off in this blog box about my education and how it irritates me that sometimes people think that I cannot both Be In a Relationship and Not Be Distracted From my Education.

Then I decided that too many people would take that as something I’m saying directly to them and figured I should probably erase it all for the sake of not causing more trouble for myself than I already do. 

So, here’s what it comes down to:  This is what I’m doing.  I’m working on my degree, working towards a goal.  Just like any other creature does what it does, I am a student, working towards eventually becoming a doctor.  It’s how I’m progressing through my career. This is me following my heart’s desire, and there’s nothing to distract me from it! This IS what I DO!

I dislike the theory that relationships are a distraction.  I mean, I understand the sentiment, but I find it unreasonable to think that one should lock oneself in a tower for several years until they reach all their enormous goals.  That isn’t LIVING!  Instead, I must enjoy the experience.  Every single day, as challenging as they are, are MINE, and I own them.  This is my time.  I’m not just hanging around until I make the right scenarios for myself so I can finally invite someone in whom I can share this with.  Besides, I’d rather ultimately spend time with someone who has stuck with me through all of my challenges and experienced this adventure along with me– rather than meet someone who knows me as I am in the future and not how or where I came from.  Does that make sense? 

This leads me to address some reactions I get when I respond to “What are you doing this weekend?” with “[Fill in the blank with whatever homework I’m working on.]”  For the love of Neil, do NOT respond with “I’m sorry!”  Jebus, how miserable does that sound?  “I’m sorry [that you’re so disciplined and following your heart.]” Lame.  Or here’s another good one, “you’re working hard, and I know you miss your friends, but this is the sacrifice you have to make in order reach your goals!”  Eff that!!  The energy I spend to reach my goals absolutely CANNOT be considered to be sacrificial.  If I was sacrificing anything I wouldn’t do it.  I need to love my decisions and love the effort I put into this.  Otherwise, I might as well quit now and find some other passion to fill my time.  

That is all. 

Thanks for letting me sound off there. 

Some things from tonight:

Organic Chemistry sort of makes my brain hurt.  I have to do a lot of thinking.  I need to spend a lot of time with this stuff so it makes sense to me.  I will need to spend at minimum three hours of on my own with the books/internet resources time for every hour of class time.

On relationships: I am more offended by the person presenting the gossip to me than by the person gossiping about me.   I will end relationships over this.  It is so glaringly obvious when a person is trying to start drama with me that it takes a lot for me to allow myself positive caring emotion about that person again.

Having an un-spayed female dog around is very validating.  Ever need to try to understand PMS?  Be around a dog right before she starts her menstrual cycle.  I can be more like that bitch than would be expected.  I cannot look at my education as a reason for sacrifice, because if I did, I wouldn’t do it.  There is no sacrifice in this experience.  The journey is far more important than the destination.  It’s a good thing I enjoy pushing myself hard.  It has nothing to do with giving up things now– it has everything to do with absorbing as much information as possible with one particular goal in mind.

Perhaps there is something to loving the dark sides of me.  Perhaps if I embrace the polar opposites of everything I strive to be, I can allow what I don’t want to be to exist, but not define me.  There is much to be said about self-acceptance and self-love.  It leads to an inexplicable ability to love others.  Might be on to something with that.

People believe in me.  And it’s exactly as it should be. And it was.

Why are we so afraid to love?I don’t believe in soul mates.
I don’t believe there is one true love for you, and that you should save yourself for this person.  Relationships are opportunities to experience and learn, and the more of them you have with different people, the better you are in whatever relationship role you choose to be in at the moment. Love… I’ve done that before.  Do you know that I haven’t been told “I love you” by a boyfriend since my last real love?  That was years ago. Years.  I haven’t said it, either.  I haven’t told a man that I loved him– that I was in love with him– in so long.  I know it’s a protective measure for me… you can’t be hurt by someone if you don’t say you love them.  You won’t have the expectations if they never say they love you.  Brilliant protection… or denial?  It’s easy to decide to never say it first.  It’s a problem if both people have made that same decision. I’m not one to be terribly hurt by a lover.  I tend to love, and then when it’s over, I’m off and on my way to the next opportunity.  Usually it’s mutual… I had never really even broken someone’s heart until very recently.  And what was it?  Was it love?  I don’t know– I don’t think so– though I loved him.  That entire time, I waited… patiently… for him to say he loved me…  Nothing.    Until it was too late.  Too late… Now I question if I was ever In Love with him at all. So now here I am, experiencing all that I can experience, and contemplating love.  Love… Create Love.  I wrote it all over my shower with soap crayons.  Love… What is it?  Why are we all so fucking afraid of it? Why does it get so convoluted when sex is involved?  Why am I afraid?  Why am I afraid of telling someone and then losing them? Why does telling someone that you love them scare them away?  Why do I believe this absurd, wicked, wretched thought about such a beautiful, wonderous emotion?  Why do I repeat these silly behaviors?  There must be some sort of aspect of truth to the matter– at least for me… otherwise I doubt I would hold such a staunch opinion on the matter. I value my logic.  I value and appreciate my ability to separate myself from my emotions.  I value that about myself.  I also appreciate the amazing emotions I’ve experienced this summer. Love, light, and blessings, it’s all been there.  I am so very thankful for the most beautiful things that have happened to me.  Here I am going on and on about how love-filled my life is, and yet I’m still so afraid of it.  That’s another thing about love.  Fear is the complete opposite of love.  With love, there is no room for fear.  I have lost my fears.  I am not afraid anymore because I know that no matter what happens to me, there is not a single person who can say anything other than “She was completely happy.” Fear… fear is the opposite of love, and with love, you lose fear.  Yet I’m still so afraid to say it.  I’m getting better at saying it, and have probably said “I love you” more in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  Still, it is a strange paradox.  Love and fear, the two most powerful emotions, become intertwined, mixed up, confused, and unclear.  Why this is, is a mystery to me.  When I discover the real reason, I will share it with you.