Into The Rabbit Hole

Fatigue steals my thoughts, streaks past my eyes when I am trying to concentrate.  The only moments I have an opportunity to think are fleeting, when I’m driving, six hundred miles away from the place where I can write it all down.

My brain is full.  It’s tired.  I wander around the inner fields of my neuronal pathways with glimpses of Boethius and Socrates, arguing about the beauty of poetry.  A tally of the things I have to accomplish in a short week’s time dances with the grocery list and other things I have to remember.  “Neurosurgery, this is Ash.” I start to answer my cell phone this way, and the details of calls to insurance companies swim through my dreams.

I’m beginning to question whether the wakeful periods are really dreams and if my alpha states are really wakefulness.

It’s worth it.

The constant fatigue begs me to compare back to the times when I wasn’t so exhausted.  What was I doing differently then?

Mostly, I think it was that I wasn’t parenting.  I wasn’t getting up an hour earlier to spend time with my honey.  I wasn’t sitting down for dinner every night.  I wasn’t helping the kids do homework, getting them showered, kissing them good night, or thinking about whether or not they would have a good day tomorrow.

As much as it cuts into my energy, it is worth it.  As much as it demands my attention, it is worth it.  I’ve been given the blessing of a family that I did not have to create, and can now enjoy the benefits of it all with a small cost: my sanity.

Which is a comfortable trade.  They return my love even when I’m a little crazy.

So.  Where were we?

Okay, so did I tell you that I found out that I only have one more year before I’m done with my bachelor’s degree?!?!?!
*jumping up and down like a little girl*

That was pretty exciting news to hear!  And then after that, I have to finish a year of Physics, a year of Inorganic Chem, and a semester of Biology.  All of which can be done in a year, if I quit my job.  Right, so that won’t happen, but it *could.*

My mom came and visited us last week.  That was pretty exciting!  I hadn’t seen her in years, and she came out here while we had the kids.  She looooved the grandkids and made sure to specify that she was “Gramma Debbe” not “Grammy Debbe.”   Hee hee.  She doesn’t realize it yet (or maybe she does) but she just became Gramma in no time atall.   *grin*

My aunt Becky had a chance to meet Landon & the kids, as well.  Funny how it takes my mom coming into town to meet my aunt who lives basically down the street.  Well, a little farther than that, but not by much.  Everything went over beautifully.  No stress, no drama, no nothing of real interest.  Got to spend some time with my younger brother, too, which was interesting since he, too, lives just down the street– maybe closer than my aunt.  I’m apparently bad at this side of the family thing.  Maybe it’s because there’s always something dramatic going on.  Maybe I’m just coming up with excuses…  Probably the latter of the two.

School started for me last week.  I’m totally digging my classes.  The Honors class is going to be a tough one, but I’m hell bent on acing it.  I know I can, just need to figure out what it is that the teacher is going for.  So far I don’t really know, but every time I get a grade back, my eyes are opened just a tiny crack more.

Speaking of cracked, I need to avoid the vending machine this year.  It’s hard, because classes are right at the time I would normally eat dinner.  So I get hungry.  Just. Avoid. The. Machine.  I ate cupcakes tonight.  And it wasn’t until after I ate both (conveniently, I waited) that I read the caloric value.  Yeah, you know it’s not good when one package contains TWO servings.   Indeed.  It’s just a matter of good planning, really.  Must take fruit on school nights.  That way I can eat an orange. Or whatever.  Just no cupcakes, because I swear there was so much sugar in them that I was acting like I was on speed.  Not that I know what I’m like on speed, but if it’s me having to shake my legs at five hundred strokes a minute and all jittery, then the cupcakes were a pretty good comparison.

*stretch* Life is good, though.  I came home and Landon had the most yummer of all yums dinner made– fresh green beans from the garden, mashed red potatoes, carmelized carrots, and pork chops with jalepenos, garlic, and sage.  Yeah, you SHOULD be drooling now, it was THAT good.

Tonight we got the kids all ready for their first day of school.  They’re going to Bethlehem.  It’s a private school that was a competitor for the school I grew up in, only it’s in a good neighborhood, with great teachers and more money for the curriculum.  I am pretty excited for this as I already personally know the principal, my best friend’s in laws are both teachers there, and my favorite teacher in high school is now a seventh grade teacher there.  Basically, it’s familiar.  I don’t necessarily agree with some of their ludicrous God-things, but I’m sure as hell happier knowing the kids will be some place safe and getting an extraordinary education over being stuck in a thirty-kid-deep classroom here in Jeffco.  Not that I had anything to do with the decision, but I’m pretty tickled to know the ropes of the school before they even have their first day.

What other news is there on the home front?  Hmmm.  Life is very good, I’m very, very happy.  School is in session, and that’ll keep me focused.  More money for our household is closer than the horizon.  It’s all coming together.  I knew it would!!!

Frankly, I’m pleased I made it through the semester.

I’m not completely over yet, but I’m close.  Finish two papers, and I’ll be golden.

I have to figure out how to pay for school next Fall.  Apparently one CAN run out of financial aid.  It’s right at the $43,000 mark.  Hmph.  Apparently that’s how much financial aid debt I have.  Well, that was easy to spend.  Now I’m going to have to find scholarships.   I cannot take any time (other than the summer) off from school, because if I fall below six credit hours, I will be required to pay back that 43K in monthly payments to the tune of $500.  So, pay for two classes and the books for those classes: $2000 for the entire semester or pay monthly $500 until I’m able to afford school again… fabulous!

And it’s been four weeks without my guy.  Five more, and that’ll be done; he’ll be home and life will be on its path.

I’m home by myself at this point.  Well, sort of by myself.  I have the kids with me.  I am thankful.  My head feels a bit quieter.

This weekend will be good.  Hopefully I’ll get the bulk of my two papers completed.  I won’t have the kids after tomorrow– and will get them back on Tuesday.  That’s a good amount of time to get focused.

Monday is my Pappa Luke’s funeral.  That will be good for closure.   I believe I’ve come to terms with his death.  I believe it was a good thing.  Perhaps it’s all death that I need to come to terms with.  Amazingly, I have had considerably less panic lately.  And no more shaking before bed.  Or if I’m experiencing it, I’m more comfortable with the idea that I’m neither dying nor crazy.

It’s nine o’clock.  The kids’ lunches are made.  Tyler’s homework is complete and in his backpack.  The coffee pot is ready for me to flip the red switch.  Their oatmeal is in a bowl, waiting for boiling water.  The kids’ clothes are washed, and ready to go back to their mom’s.  The dogs are fed, the kids are in bed, and I am done with my classes for this semester.  *exhale*

I will be dropping the kids off at school early tomorrow.  Just figured out I don’t have the key card to get them in the school.  Hope I don’t have to stand outside long…

One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

I’m sitting here on lunch.  Doing nothing.

Or, rather, I’m supposed to be doing nothing.  I’m “supposed” to be just sitting here, enjoying the fact that I’m doing nothing, at least for another week, until school begins again.

I’m not ready for it.  I didn’t have a long enough break.  It easily took me two weeks to get over my fatigue, and I’m finally getting over a cold that has been hanging out with me for the past three weeks.  I didn’t get enough done this break.

Actually, I got a lot done.  And I feel great.

But still, here I am, printing off powerpoint slides for my o chem lecture, thinking about how I’ll do better this time around.  I’m thinking of the ways I’ll take notes– I’ll use my laptop to take notes in class. I’ll write notes on the backs of the powerpoint.  I’ll spend more time with my notes.  I’ll…

I haven’t heard back yet from my research instructor.  We emailed twice over the semester.  I want to make sure I’m exactly where I need to be in order to do what I want to do with the research stuff.

I’d like it if the time I spend doing research could go towards my degree. Maybe I could get out of doing other research classes.

*sigh*

It hasn’t even begun yet and I’m already thinking about it.

No stress allowed, though.  I already know I’m taking a more reasonable load and I already know I’m going to be a total rockstar.  This semester, I know what to expect.  There are no other excuses.

And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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*grin*

Two more exams, and I’m DONE! Tonight is Behavioral Neuroscience and tomorrow is O Chem Lecture.

Thank freakin goddess.

Sheesh. This semester has been so challenging for me. I took a test last night in O Chem lab that was stupid hard. As in, it was so hard it was stupid. Oh well.

I’ve come to terms with this semester. I have made accommodations for next semester so it will be significantly less hard on me. I’ve got two choices as I see it: I can freak out and stress and be emotional over it. Or I can just roll with the punches. I’ve chosen to roll with the punches.

There are so many things I want to do this semester… one of my biggest priorities is to rest. I’d like to see my friends, too, if I still have any! I know, I know, I have many, but some of them seem to have fallen away, and being out of school will be my greatest indicator who’s around and who isn’t because now it won’t be an issue of not having the time to see each other. Rollin with the punches still.

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Tonight, I completed my last class of the semester. Next week: Finals.

Good goddess I’m relieved to be finished. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m close. Seven days. Now, much closer to six days. The countdown has begun.

Today turned out much better than I was making of it. I began the day rough, and I’m ending it wonderfully. I woke up with major anxiety, something I haven’t experienced in quite a long while. I went in to work late, hoping that the extra sleep would ease my heart. It didn’t… Once I arrived at work, nothing spectacularly horrible happened. In fact, it was over all a great day. The hospital’s employee lunch was held, and the food was wonderful, and my co-workers dragged me away from my desk for lunch– my doctor even joined us. I haven’t been able to take a lunch this week– I’ve been slammed. So it was nice to take a lunch and have a freshly prepared meal, complete with caramel chocolate cheesecake.

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I see money flowing easily.

I see myself doing the best job I can do on my finals.

I see myself being prepared and comfortable throughout the holidays.

“I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything.” Abraham Lincoln

The semester is so close to being finished, I can taste it.  This is my last week of classes, and next week are my finals.  My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, and my patience has grown as dramatically as Jack’s beanstalk–seemingly over night!

I went through some of my school records to work on figuring out what else I need before I finish my degree… Really, there isn’t a whole lot left.  For the degree itself, I am going to take two online classes next summer:  Intro to Children’s Lit and Cultural Diversity in Health and Illness.  The Lit class will complete my Arts & Letters requirement and the Diversity class will complete both my multicultural requirement and my Social Sciences requirement.  Then, I have 12 more credits for my Psychology major, which equates into four Psychology classes, one of which will need to be in the Experimental Research genre.  Perhaps my research this spring will count towards those credits.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, friends.  I would love to be done with the degree itself by no later than Spring 2009.  Then, for my pre-requisites for medical school, I am taking O Chem II & lab next spring, will take Physics I next fall, Physics II the spring of 09, and then I’ll still need Biology II, maybe I’ll be able to take that Summer of 09.  Hopefully things continue to stay on track!! 

We’ll see.  Nothing is ever set in stone, especially when it comes to working full time and doing school full time. 

Ultimately, the most important thing for me to think of is that All We Have Is Time.    I don’t need to be in a huge hurry, I just need to get things taken care of as they come.  *grin*

Good things just seem to happen to me.

There’s a lot in my head right now, a lot floating around, and I’m trying to interpret it all– trying to figure out what is important to share and what isn’t. I wanted to tell you all about the good fortune I that is coming upon me.

First, there are the gifts. I have received so many gifts recently, it makes me smile to think of it. Today, I got a ride home from an old friend and a co-worker who stopped by the bus stop while I was waiting. “Where you headed?” I told them, and they said, “Get in!” so I did. I rode to my destination with friends. However, I must add that I’ve learned one really important rule: Never trust a man who brakes with his left foot. *chuckle* I’ve been given homemade cookies from a classmate. A beautiful jade plant from one of the facilities guys. A homemade pumpkin muffin from one of our nurses. Good advice from my mentor… so many gifts!!! And you know what else? I realized that people are REALLY nice to me at work. I pass people in the hall, and I get smiles, constantly. People ask me how my day is or how school is going… people who I don’t really even know. They care, and they smile. Gifts… Read the rest of this entry »