Life is becoming so much more simple.
And far more enjoyable.
Cleansing the clutter from my emotional experience.
I am working on the always-pleasant lifestyle.

Which is the converse of the stressed out lifestyle. And it’s going well.
And I like that.
I’m beginning to identify the feelings that trigger the out of control stress reaction.
Mostly these triggers are things like feeling anxious,
or like I don’t have enough of something to do the best job I can otherwise.

I don’t have to eliminate all negative emotion.
In fact, being irritated and then venting about it actually helps a lot.
I can and should vent, as long as I don’t dwell on it.

I have physical reasons to avoid stressing out, too.
Stress makes me sick.  Hell, it makes EVERYONE sick.
Stress could be the leading cause of cancer.

But would we know it?  Would we acknowledge it?
Stress can cause heart problems.
Stress can cause emotional problems.
Stress can cause skin problems.
Stress can cause CANCER.

You can’t escape stress any more than you can escape pollution.
But I can feel the triggers, and I can be aware of them.
I can choose how much time I spend letting them control me.

The always-pleasant lifestyle might actually be working.

Eventually, I’ll imagine I’m going to come to a breaking point. *shrug*

Maybe not.

I have a great attitude, and am doing what’s psychologically best for me at this time. I’m not starving myself (a past coping mechanism), nor am I being mean or excessively restrictive to myself. I’m allowing myself normal emotions, and I’m giving myself permission to cry when I feel like it, laugh when I want to, and think good or bad thoughts as they present themselves. Overall, I feel pretty mentally healthy.

At the same time, the stress is unbearable. I don’t really feel like I have many people to go to. Yes, yes, I get that I have friends, but some things I can’t share. Some things I just have to swallow, work through, and just focus on the next step.

I am relinquishing control. And surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’m flailing– at least not all the time. Instead, perhaps, it’s a steady slipping. Sliding. Downwards. While I’m falling, I’m looking around for the steps I’ll be using to pull myself out of this once I finally hit the bottom… Pointing out the landmarks that I can use to direct myself out of this pit.

It’s really not THAT terrible. I’m thankful I have such a good head on my shoulders. I know that much of this is my way of proving that I can handle all of this… even though I shudder to think of it. I know I’m a powerful creator, and I recognize that what I’m creating right now isn’t what I’m going for. At the same time, I just hope that I’m about to give myself a break here– sooner rather than later. As much as I can handle it, I’m certainly going to leave this lesson as just a faint memory as soon as I can.

It is about the contrast… makes the good things that much better. It is about the emotion– understanding that I’m capable of experiencing both highs and lows. It’s about handling stress in a healthy and meaningful manner. It’s about…

Goddess, I’m tired.

Well, I got through this week.  For this, I am impressed with myself.

I found myself cranky, irritated, and within my head, I was downright mean to people.

Biting my lip in a time of extreme stress is exhausting.

You have to bite your lip, though, because feeling bad is relative.  And when one person feels like they just had a hellacious week, what they experienced may not seem like such a bad experience to the next person.  And vice versa.

Anyway, I suppose the point is that I did it.  I’m done with my classes.  I have this weekend off from the kids, and I will write my two papers.  Hopefully I get them completely done in the next few days.

Tonight I’m not really sure I know what to do with myself.  Part of me wants to escape while the other part knows I can’t celebrate entirely until I complete these papers.  The house is somewhat of a disaster… though I did just do a bunch to clean it up.  It was quite unnerving to have my entire family come over to drop off a bunch of my great grandpa’s furniture… I was fifteen minutes later than I said I’d be, and they had unloaded all of the furniture into the driveway… the same driveway that I had spilled some dog poop on while bringing the trash can to the curb for trash day.  I walked inside to put the dogs out back to discover that the dogs had somehow maneuvered their way into the trash can and had strewn coffee grounds everywhere.  Fabulous.  Then I recall that I cannot let the family see the last couch they gave me, as the dogs have destroyed THAT, too.   Just throw it all into the garage, folks…

Thankfully, my uncle & his buddy will come back tomorrow to move the rest of the furniture.  I think they’ll take away that couch the dogs have destroyed, too.  I’ll put my Pappa’s furniture in the basement, keep the old, destroyed couch cushions on the floor so the dogs have something to sleep on, and cover the new couches with sheets and pillows so the dogs stay off of them.  That way if I ever want to sit on them, I can just pull the sheets off.  Yesh…

I re-potted the plans I “inherited,” one of which I gave my Pappa Luke for his birthday.  It’s a beautiful dracanea… and the other is a pothos; I’m not sure where that one came from.

Shit… I can’t believe he’s gone.   I suppose it’ll all sink in on Monday, when I go through the motions of a funeral.  I suppose funerals are good.  I cry and all those normal things… I like funerals better than bridal showers, I guess.

I’ve noticed feeling terribly surreal lately.  Nothing seems real.   Has Landon really been gone for four weeks?  Today is the beginning of the fifth week.  Almost half way through.  I guess being alone here in our home on a Friday night is real enough.  I feel bad that I don’t really have it in me to love on the dogs.  They’re four weeks without a bath… I’m allergic to them… I don’t know if I can convince Emma to get in the bathtub.

I guess tonight I’m a little blue.  Now that I mention it.  Should I work on my papers, or should I relax some?  Should I read a book?  And if so, where?  Down here in the living room or up in my bedroom?  Should I eat something?  That would mean I have to prepare something.  I just want to skip dinner.  I’ve skipped lots of dinners in the last month.  Too bad it’s not showing in my belly yet.  Or maybe it is…

The fucking neighbor dog won’t shut up.  Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah.  Yeah, it annoys me, too.

Pink Floyd.  Typing on my blog.  Sitting here.  Pretending nothing is real.  Nothing has to be real.  It could all just be my imagination anyway…

The contrast.  It does something… something good.  It makes the good things extraordinary.  Oh yeah, I like the contrast.  Or maybe I like the pain.  Perhaps I’m a masochist.  Yes.  I’ve always been an emotional masochist.  A proverbial cutter, I enjoy emotional pain.  It reminds me I’m alive.  Or some fucked up thing like that.

Tonight, I completed my last class of the semester. Next week: Finals.

Good goddess I’m relieved to be finished. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m close. Seven days. Now, much closer to six days. The countdown has begun.

Today turned out much better than I was making of it. I began the day rough, and I’m ending it wonderfully. I woke up with major anxiety, something I haven’t experienced in quite a long while. I went in to work late, hoping that the extra sleep would ease my heart. It didn’t… Once I arrived at work, nothing spectacularly horrible happened. In fact, it was over all a great day. The hospital’s employee lunch was held, and the food was wonderful, and my co-workers dragged me away from my desk for lunch– my doctor even joined us. I haven’t been able to take a lunch this week– I’ve been slammed. So it was nice to take a lunch and have a freshly prepared meal, complete with caramel chocolate cheesecake.

(more…)

It’s all happening all at once.

Stress.  It is a filter on my experience.

I’m amazed at how easy it is to become distracted from pure, utter joy.  It’s easy to get carried away with gossip, drama, and feeling overwhelmed.

Today I vow to remind myself constantly that true happiness, from the depths of my heart is what I strive for.  I will settle for nothing less.  Once again I take inventory and decide exactly what it is that I want, so that I may aim for it. I don’t need to look any further.   I already have the most amazing friends in the world.  I have the circumstances I want in every facet of my experience.  I am already blessed so immensely it makes my head spin and I drop down to my knees in gratitude for the incredible people with which I have surrounded myself.  My life is absolutely perfect as it is, as I continue to make it. 

I refuse to view any of it through a negative lens.  Instead, all is well, all is absolutely as I wish it, and I feel much better about the situation.

As you were.

When you begin to feel overwhelmed, take your stress as an indication that you need to laugh about something.  Here’s your drill:  you begin to feel pressure, you begin to sweat, you begin to breath a little more shallowly.  Associate these feelings with the need to laugh.  And then STOP.  Stop for a minute and find something that you think is funny.  Take a five minute break to just remind yourself to laugh and smile. Five minutes is all you need to change your perspective.  Remind yourself of the absurdity of the situation. Remind yourself that you will better handle the stress with a smile on your face.  And even if you don’t feel like smiling, fake it… Fake it until you make it. Remember that everything that you think and feel is a current reflection of the state that you are creating for yourself right this minute.  Obviously you want to create positive, happy, loving situations.  So derail your stressful and negative thought processes.  The more you practice throwing these thought processes off their tracks, the easier it will be for you to identify with the emotions you have power over.  Eventually, you will catch your negative thoughts before they even cross your mind– or as soon as they pop into consciousness, you will know just what to do with them!It gets easier the more you practice it, I promise.