Into The Rabbit Hole

“There is no spoon,” he whispered as he shook a spoon at me.

I recall knowing some people…. I must’ve been twenty years old or younger.  There was a friend of a friend… who insisted that he could manifest a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from thin air.  It was the PBJ theory… that if you wanted something enough, if you believed it enough, that you could think it hard enough, and *poof* there would eventually be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, right there, in his hand.

One of the guys we hung out with explained it to me.  I remember lying there in his room, hearing him tell me that quantum theory backed this idea up… that essentially the tiniest bits that make up atoms (quarks) are not really bits at all– they are energy– and that energy is affected by thought.  I remember thinking, man, I wish I had what they’re smoking…

I know many people have theorized, philosophized, thought about this whole concept.  It’s a pretty significant metaphysical belief, really.   It’s the tenant behind The Secret (albeit the more “out there” tenant, but it is a tenant nonetheless).  Thoughts become things.

Now, before you decide this is all hogwash and leave my page, I want to explain.  I want you to give me a moment to tell you how this all will work without you believing in magic or voodoo.  Those things are nice, too, but this is not really about magic.  (Of course, in a totally different vein it is, but that’s not what I’m going for right this minute.)

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There is something changing within me, something beautiful, something new and different and… timeless.  I am Becoming.

I have discovered the idea of an afterlife, and a pre-life, and all of the infinite amount of life in between.  I am realizing that this life is a canvas and I, as a conscious being, am the artist.  I am able to write whatever story I choose to on my canvas, and can paint ANYthing I so desire.

In my possession has always been a great library.  This library, filled with ideas both great and small, in every color, has been sitting at my fingertips this entire time, and I have been too busy to notice.  I have found the library.  I’ve taken note.

Many of my books are from Ann Monday.  She gave me bags and bags full of metaphysical books; she says they were outdated.  Perhaps the prophesies were never fulfilled.  Like any spiritual book, though, every single one of these holds a piece of humanity, a piece of its author (channeled or not); in every book lies a portion of every soul that has read them.

More important than the books Ann gave me are the ones my grandmother had in her lifetime.  I have many of her old books, and have carried them with me from home to home, packing, unpacking, sometimes organized, sometimes left in boxes, and while I’ve looked at some, I have until now never noticed them.  I kept them because my mother taught me of the value of books… they are more valuable than gold.  What I didn’t know until now was that hidden within these books ARE my grandmother.  I know her through her books.  And I am amazed at how much like she I am.  Or she like I.

My grandmother knew the Secret.  She knew and practiced magick. She was everything I cannot turn my back on being.  She was a magnificent woman, and I only knew her until I was thirteen. 

This knowledge, lies near my fingertips.  I fear placing so much value on these things to know that one day they may not be here anymore.  I fear losing them, and that is one of the fastest ways to encourage something to happen to them.  I have a difficult time not being so attached to them.  My most prized possessions are older than I, are dusty, and would be prime kindling for a fire.

…and I had always dreamt of a library.  who knew that the contents would mean so much to me.

Through my eyes, the line between dreams and reality is a slight one.  Sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to tell the difference.  This is frightening to me because the inability to decipher reality is an indication of psychosis.   Not to say I suspect I’m psychotic, but what I’m saying sounds fairly psychotic. What I mean to say is this:  When life becomes so magical, so powerful, so intense, so perfect, it seems only reasonable to question it.  It seems only reasonable that I might suspect that there is some alternate explanation… Read the rest of this entry »

At the risk of sounding like an utter nutjob, I am going to share with you how I feel about something very intimate to me. 

Okay, so you know how I buy into the law of attraction, right?  Like, how I believe that we create everything in our reality, and how we can have whatever we want, yada yada yada….?  Well, I’m getting extremely good at manifesting what I want.  I’m getting good at it, and very quickly.  It’s almost, how shall I say… well, it’s strange.  My life is SO magical, that sometimes I wonder if I’m not dreaming.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m not part of this bigger experiment.  I know, here’s where I sound like a kooky paranoid schizophrenic personality, but for the reals, life is almost surreal. 

Some of the most magical extraordinary PERFECT things have been coming my way… everything is paying off.  All of my dreams are coming into an alignment… I’m accomplishing the things I put my mind and heart into. Crazy.  Like an experiment crazy.  You know that movie, where Jim Carey is the center of a sitcom?  Yeah, like that.  Only it’s about me, and my life.  And a big part of that is through you all.  You’re my sounding board… you’re my witnesses to my creative expression… you’re watching it all come together with me.  

Did I mention the surreal feeling?  Yes.  Perhaps I do have some sort of personality disorder… I pick… narcissistic personality disorder?  Maybe?  (heh) Or maybe that’s just a good sense of self.  Anyway, life is delightful.  Truly, really, superbly delightful.  I’m still in a dream mode– a lucid one where I’m controlling everything that happens.  And my good goddess, it’s beautiful!!!! …I can hear the comments now!  “We already knew you were a nutjob, Ash, but you’re such a loveable nutjob.”

*grin*

I feel really empowered right now.  I feel like I juggle the universe in a slap-throw-slap rhythm on my palms and fingertips.  Nothing– not even time– can slip through my fingers anymore. 

I feel strong, and I feel alive.  Probably more alive than I’ve felt in a thousand years. I feel aware now. I feel normal again.  I feel like my experience is back from its dark side of the rotation around the sun- myself.  Not to say that the dark side was bad, because it wasn’t.  It was just a contrast; just a whisper in my memory that reminds me that “now it’s perfect, within your control, what will you do?” 

It’s magical.  There is a lot of magic in my life lately.  Far more than I’m used to.  I blame that on a few special people– this magic.  I like it.  The synchronicity is breath-taking.

There was such amazing energy in my home this time.  I can still feel the vibrations from everyone’s love.   I am so blessed!  I am surrounded by people who are so filled with love and affection.  Really, there are some VERY special people in my experience.  Yunno, sometimes you find one person like this.  Or two, maybe if you’re lucky.  I’m SURROUNDED by people like this.  Surrounded by the most extraordinary, special, magnificent people in this world. 

I’m amazed. 

Floored. 

So lucky I am not sure how this could become that much more beautiful… But that’s just it– it’s only going to get even more incredible.  I’m so glad you’re along with me for this ride.

If you could control what you dreamt about,
what would you dream of?

…

What if this life is all a dream? 
What would you dream of, then?

…

Me, too.  Only, instead of waiting for a dream,
I’m doing it now.

I feel ecstatic. 
And chilly. I need some coffee.  And a cigarette.  I don’t smoke cigarettes. When I first learned about changing my attitude, about thinking about the things I want instead of the things I don’t want, I knew there was something to it. I knew that I had been doing this my whole life, and that there’s a secret in there, a secret to happiness.

To have it laid out so perfectly before me, I was able to jump ahead from dissecting the philosophy and the process into creating exactly what I want from my life.   And I grew more and more happy. Instead of seeing things and saying, “I don’t want this,” I have learned to say, “I’d rather it this way.”  Because I know what I want, and because I know that I can have it, my re-focus pushes me full force towards my goal.  Instead of pausing at every distraction that is something I don’t want, I have been living a rich, deep blood red, saturated experience, filled with a plethora of things I DO want.  

It’s beautiful. To some people this drive can be intimidating.  The thing is this: when I’m so clearly focused on what I want, it doesn’t matter to me if the Intimidated fall in line or away from me.   It is this for all things… the people who want differently from me are okay as they are, they are okay and they are on their own little path towards what they think about. 

The people who fall in line with my pace, these are the ones whom I can seek out– whom I can tether myself to, whom I can count on to pull me beside them when I lose my sense of direction.   There are many of us.

How could life get any better? Really… it’s pretty extraordinary.  By no means absolutely perfect, but it’s definitely on its way!!The secret?  Looking for things every day that you’re grateful for.

*stretches*Ooooh spring break.  (exhale)So, this is definitely turning out to be one of my more memorable spring breaks… A few years ago I went to Moab, but this one… this is one I’m totally going to tell my grandchildren about.  Either that or I’ll tell YOUR grandchildren…   Honestly, nothing super duper terribly exciting is happening, though I am certainly having a run for my money keeping up with it all.  I feel different; changed… I feel like I’ve never known before, and I’m anxious that someone is going to nod their head at me and say, “yup, I knew you’d grow up eventually.”   I’m not quite there yet– but suddenly I am feeling much more capable, confident, and familiar with experiences I’m going through.  A few years back, I would see these things and say, “Coooool.  I wonder how this will turn out.” And now, it’s more of a “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but bring it on, because I know I can handle whatever the experience demands of me…”    I’ve become increasingly confident in my ability to attract exactly what it is that I want from this life.  While sometimes it DOES feel totally magical, I’m quite certain the real part of the Secret is setting your expectations high and because you truly believe you can have whatever it is that you want, you are capable of motivating yourself to earn you want… or at the very least, find ways of making it happen…  I look at myself in the mirror and realize that yet again I am struggling to remember who I was in the past and have every ounce of my energy focused on who I will be in the future.  I have a hard time recognizing myself at moments.  I’ll look at myself and for a flicker of an instant in my mind I do not know the beautiful woman staring back at me.  She is so different from how I remember her.  So beautiful, so radiant….  So happy.  So completely capable of experiencing happiness regardless of what moment I’m in… Even on my lowest moments I still have enough joy to fill my heart that I know that nothing can really knock me down for long… such joy.  I wake up every morning knowing that today is the only day I have within my control… today is worth doing well.  And as I fall asleep at night, I know very well that feeling of utter exhaustion and accomplishment… Every part of my experience is radiating with opportunity and emotion…   I feel somewhat like an addict… an addict who has had their taste of whatever alternate they can wrap their fingers around, just for a minute or more of the ecstasy they feel when poison has first entered their blood stream.  I am high on this existence, on this experience, on this freight train filled with springtime and greenery… I’m high on my joy.  yes…   Good things happen.  It’s almost like I expect them now.  

My mom got her copy of the Secret today.  I was excited to talk with her about it!  I was in mid-sentence as I walked up to the bank, “You know how in What the Bleep, thoughts affected water, right?” I was going to finish it with, “Well, if thoughts can do those things to water, and your cells are made up of mostly water, imagine what thoughts can do to your body.”  I didn’t get that far, I only got to the part about “…thoughts affected water, right?” There was a gentleman at the counter, filling out his deposit slip, so I was telling my mom I would call her back, when the man said, “You’re talking about the Secret?” I looked up at him, and told my mom I would call her back.   This man, another completely ”random” Wells Fargo customer, and I strike a conversation about the Secret.  Before I know it, he’s running out to his car to retrieve two more copies of it to give to me. So I went to the bank to deposit money… and I left with two more copies of the Secret. I dare you, any of you, to please tell me this was a coincidence.  …I don’t believe in coincidence. And “surprisingly” enough, I was just telling Annie last night that I wasn’t sure how, but that I would get her a copy of it.