Into The Rabbit Hole

Thoughts become things. This is a universal law. My emotions are an indicator of whether what I’m thinking about (creating) is in alignment with what I want. If what I’m thinking about is NOT within alignment, I feel bad. If what I’m thinking about IS within alignment, I feel good. That’s simple enough.

Lately, I have been feeling fearful and anxious. Obviously, what I’m thinking isn’t in alignment of what I want. I feel worrisome, and in turn am attracting more and more things to feel worrisome about.

It makes good psychological sense to think that we respond emotionally to what we’re thinking about… and it makes good psychological sense that if we are feeling good, we’re more apt to have doors open to us because we are expecting them to.

So why is it that I’m having such a challenging time switching from feeling bad to feeling good again? It’s not like I’ve never done this before.

I once was in a relationship that I hated. I had a job that I hated. School was hard. My roommates sucked. Then I discovered that I could create my experience. It was like magic. Hell, it WAS magic.

I went into a heavenly bliss, catapulted across the universe. I fell in love– with a man and with my friends. I fell in love with myself and my life.

And gradually I’ve slipped out of that place. I am perfectly satisfied with nearly all facets of my experience. I have a job I love, I’m good at school, I loooooove (and am in love with) my roommate. I love my healthy, happy, smart, wonderful “step” kiddos… I love the dogs. And my cat. And our big, beautiful home in an excellent, safe, quiet neighborhood. And…

But I think the key point is that I’m feeling “satisfied” vs. feeling “in love” with my experience. I’m doing things that make me feel good… like adding recycling into my daily plan… and cleaning up the yard, gardening, enjoying sunshine, cooking healthily… All of which should ultimately raise my emotional experience from feeling satisfied to feeling in love…

We’ll see. I’m trying also to increase my conscious awareness to being genuinely grateful for the things I appreciate as my experience.

I want to fall in love with life again… to feel the magic swell within me.

I want to feel like every moment I’ve experienced has been a gift…  I’ve felt this excellent before, and it was while I was practicing the Law of Attraction.

I can’t say I’m not practicing it now, but I’m definitely not putting as much thought or effort into it.  Recently, I became disillusioned.

Only I have the choice to continue being jaded or to rediscover feeling magnificent.

The real question is, do I have it within me to change it?

…since we can choose to experience a life that makes us happy (or a life that makes us sad and fearful), I think I’m going to pick the experiences that make me happy.

It’s a much more difficult choice to make than you think.  I’d bet that nearly every person I know has made decisions for their experience that did not make them happy!!!

I’m quite excited.  I know it’s the spring time, the nearness of summer, the sunshine, the budding trees, the scent of rain… it’s all of this together that makes life more enjoyable to swallow.

I’m not sure I can specifically (or eloquently, for that matter) describe how one goes about choosing the experiences that make you happy– other than that it’s a very CONSCIOUS, conscientious decision.

It’s one that can be considered so unusual that many people don’t even realize the option to choose this is there.

I took the challenge to be thankful.  I’m not sure why I’d want to stop with only 100 things.

1. The sound of laughter… especially children’s!
2. Peanut butter eggs from Tina!
3. Access to the internet– a plethora of information at my fingertips.
4. 8 hours of sleep!
5. (R)evolution.
6. Like-minded people.
7. Friends who remain friends even under difficult circumstances.
8. Toilet paper.
9. Clean drinking water (again, it’s just so important!)
10. The freedom to say, “NO.”

1. Great books, like Beyond Civilization.
2. Yerba Mate tea with cream.
3. Realizing new priorities.
4. Watching my closest friends become powerful creators.
5. Knowing we’re about to cross into a new lifestyle.
6. Millions of brilliant ideas.
7. Real smiles from strangers.
8. People who believe in miracles.
9. My aunt Lori and the rest of my family.
10. Knowing that death is just as important as life.

1. The natural process of healing.
2. Wise words.
3. Accepting difficult lessons.
4. Knowing I’ve made a good decision.
5. Being so tired at the end of the day I almost can’t think!
6. Knowing that I’m on my path and living the life of my dreams.
7. Confidence in being able to do whatever I want.
8. Being surrounded with people who are actively encouraging me of my goals.
9. Knowing I got the smart genes of the family.
10. Realizing that I could easily come up with 10 things every day for the rest of my life.

1. Silence when I’m the only one up yet.
2. A house filled with beautiful, thriving plants.
3. Having my grandmother’s Tarot deck to learn on.
4. Tulip buds.
5. Being able to go grocery shopping.
6. Old friends who become new friends.
7. My besterest, Amber H.
8. My inspiration many days, Amber Lotus.
9. Thinking about planting my garden soon.
10. Discovering a new, inexpensive means for a worm composter.

Being thankful seems to make life more enjoyable… it reminds me of what I already have and that one day I’ll have all of the things I’m in the process of creating. I strongly encourage it!!

Last week was pretty grueling!  I took a four day weekend for President’s Day, so that I could get completely prepared for my Organic Chem exam this week.  O Chem is going to be fairly challenging this semester,  so I’m VERY relieved to have only taken the O Chem lecture and lab and to be doing research. Thank GODDESS for having the wherewithal last December when I signed up for classes this semester to have not loaded up on schoolwork again– last semester was sufficiently crazy-making.  I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.

A four day weekend should have been plenty of time to get ‘er all knocked out and compartmentalized in this here brain, but we had the kids, too… and they were sick all weekend.  Grrr.  This meant that while I *did* take the time to study, it was interrupted at times, and I still had other things to do… like laundry and help blow boogery noses and stuff.   Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  I love having booger noses in my life.  They say cute things and it’s neat to watch them learn and grow.

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Watch me

It’s amazing how I have been able to pick up just the right book for just the right time in this life. I’m currently reading The Great Cosmic Mother, which is a history book on religion and women in religion. It talks about ancient beliefs, ancient worship, ritual, and idolatry. The underlying theme is that history forgets to include the dramatic role women played in religion, and that much of today’s patriarchal religion is to blame. It was an intentional omission– one that would ensure that those who have come to be In Charge remain In Charge. (conspiracy theory part a)

Along with the synchronicity in the things I’m reading and learning about, I’ve found that the simplest “coincidences” have left me astonished. For instance, in my recent reads, I have seen a general repeating theory that time as we understand it has a dramatic change on December 21st, 2012. Some call it the end of time, some call it a great awakening. As of yet, I’m no authority on the subject, but I am going to give you a tiny glimpse of what I’m learning, in layman’s terms. (conspiracy theory part a2/b)

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Have you ever seen a child in a complete state of awe?  Think of what it was like as a child to see something magnificent, like a complicated Christmas light show.  Remember that sense of wonder, that sense of magnificence you felt as you couldn’t possibly fathom the genius who put it all together?  Visualize that emotion in your head, and bring it close to you, near you heart.

I would like to constantly be in a state of awe.  That wonderment, that joy… it was as though nothing else in the world existed besides that very moment.   That is the emotion I’d like to wrap myself in.

When I think of being a powerful creator of my own experience, and I think of all of the beautiful material things I want to manifest, I sort of lose glimpse over my goals…  it doesn’t seem quite right in my heart for me to say, “I want millions of dollars and a Jaguar”– even though, yes, I do want these things physically.  It feels better in my soul (perhaps more tangible?) for me to say, “I want to forever be in a state of awe.”  I feel like this feeling– this emotion within me– generally conflicts with any other state of being than to have everything I need and desire… it conflicts with being worried about money.  It conflicts with wondering how I’m going to feed myself or my family…

What I’m saying is that being in a constant state of awe includes providing for myself all of the material things that I think I cannot live without, like a Super V8.

Instead of focusing too much on the material things… I feel more inclined to focus on the feeling.  After all, it is that feeling of being in awe, that feeling of gratitude, which allows you to attract to you all that you desire.