The Politician

People-please-er.  Suck Up.  Non-confrontational.  Easy.  Doormat.

So many words for the same thing.  Being a liberal bleeding heart often lends me to acting in ways contrary to my heart.  I’ve swung the pendulum on such things.

While a teenager, I was very much ready to stomp out anything or anyone who would dare challenge what I believed was truth.  To call me outspoken was the understatement of the millennium.  However, as I grew into a professional working woman, I discovered that what I believe as right does not always need to be shared.  I do not have to dominate a topic or conversation in order to be heard.  This revised way of thinking led to more bitten tongues and bleeding cheeks than I’d care to admit.

It’s strange.  I’ve lost incredible friendships over brazen words.  And yet, so often, I held back what I cared to say, for fear of hurting or offending the ones I loved most.  So often I said nothing in order to keep the peace.  Then, without warning, something benign passes my lips and all hell breaks loose.

If I didn’t care what people thought of me, it wouldn’t matter if I offended them, regardless of who it was I offended.  But I DO care.  I care to my bones.  Hurting a beloved relationship cuts my throat more zealously than the words I’ve left unspoken.

Yet, as I continue to grow into my skin, I begin to realize just how appropriate are the words, “You can’t please everyone.”

Still, I mourn the loss of those friendships.  I wonder what I could have said or done differently.   The open wound is bandaged by my positive psychology, ignored by my desperate need to be loved, and festers when I refuse to speak of it.

And then, it passes.

I recognize that I cannot take ownership of emotions that are not my own.  I cannot force a person to analyze my words to the point of clarity.  I cannot allow myself to flail in the chasms of hurt feelings and mistaken motives.  I accept that I am who I am– whether you know my heart or not.

Who I am does not change based on your interpretation.  Who I am may be read between the lines should you care to peek at the words… but it does not matter if you recognize me or not.

As I grow older, I begin to realize that being a yes-woman doesn’t suit me as it used to.  I am comfortable with myself these days.  I will say things that not everyone agrees with simply because I cannot BE everything to everyone.  I do not represent you.  I represent only myself.