Into The Rabbit Hole

I love books that make me think.

I’m not through the Celestine Prophecy yet because I’m forcing myself to sit through it and think. I find enough value in it to truly reflect what I’m learning. This is all part of the process: learn, reflect, learn, reflect…

The part I’m currently reading has had a significant impact on me. I’m on the sixth insight, which basically says that every one of us has a basic sort of control drama– a way that we control situations and steal energy from other people. I fall primarily into one of the four categories: I am aloof. In order to control a situation, I will be silent, waiting for people to tell me what I want to hear– what they need to say. I have discovered that I can gain attention just by being quiet.

The book states that we are created into one of these control dramas by what we were taught by our parents– and often how we turn out is a creation of our parents, usually by them using their own control dramas– often unlike the drama we use to cope with.

Now, hang with me while we get all Freudian and talk about our childhoods.

Basically, the point of the exercise is to discover which control drama you employ so that you can begin to discover Who You Really Are. This step requires analysis of what the main point of each individual parent’s life was, and how you became the balance of the two people, doing better what they did before you. In determining what your parents’ life lesson were, you can in turn figure out what your own life lesson will be.

This, of course, was one of the places I paused to think.

Honestly, I don’t really have a very solid relationship with my collective “parents.” I have my mother, but haven’t seen her in a few years, and we talk superficially on the phone… Or we’ll talk for a while, and the conversation is mostly “controlled” (not to say she’s outwardly controlling the conversation, but that most of the energy goes into what she is talking about) by her. I don’t really add much to our conversation; like I said, my control drama is to be aloof. So often I don’t go into my own deep thoughts… though in rare occasions I do, but often it feels like more of a battle than a conversation.

I don’t speak with my father. That relationship soured within the last five years, and doesn’t look like it will ever improve.

I have other dads, but I am uncertain that who/how they are could affect my spiritual purpose. I know they serve their (major) purpose in my life, but I can’t really put my finger on how that would make who I am now, as a compilation of energies, something (someone) that came from my Dad (not to be confused with my father) and my step-dad.

So, in order to figure out my life purpose, I must examine the lives of my parents– of how their spiritual journeys have failed and succeeded and somehow determine my own.

I can essentially see what my mom’s life struggle is, and it has everything to do with conquering the battle of self-esteem.

I am not entirely sure what my father’s life struggle is, though I’m guessing it might be in some way related to his emotional retardation– the part where he fails to bond with his children, and perhaps most people, in a way that is more than superficial. As far as I can tell, his main thought in life was that he just wanted to have fun. At the time he left my mom and I, he was young and wasn’t ready to be a parent. Somehow I don’t think he capable now, either.

Shit, it could take me years of talking about my parents to work this sort of thing out. I feel like the only real psychological “issues” I have are with regards to my relationship with my parents. I had to become extremely independent, often emotionally withdrawn, and self-sufficient in order to have survived those relationships. I was taught young that I had to take care of myself– not to say that my parent’s parenting style was wrong by any means, but that the circumstances given were such that I took things upon myself, rather than relied on them for guidance.

So, somewhere in between, lies my purpose. To find a place in between the low self-esteem and the lack of emotional attachment, and that is my life challenge.

Huh. It’s all becoming so clear now. *chuckle* (end facetious laughter)

My life purpose is to find the balance between self and un-self, between love and affection and being withdrawn and socially detached.

Of course, that sort of thing is exactly what I’m studying in myself– and have been for many years. There has to be a balance between being overly emotional (dramatic) and under emotional (withdrawn). To state it that simply is to recant most of what I’ve written about throughout the last few years.

Frankly, if you ask me how I feel, I don’t think I have a whole lot of figuring it out to do before I know who I am and what my purpose is. I feel, in a lot of ways, that I’ve already got it all figured out.

As soon as I say that, certainly something will change in my experience, internally or externally, and I will have to learn who I am all over again.

Even today, I learned something new about myself. I realized that I can be beautiful even if I’m not wearing makeup. I can be beautiful with a pimple on my face, even a big one. I can be beautiful at whatever weight I’m at. I can be beautiful with C’s, (the grade, not the cup, though a C cup is great, too), and I can be beautiful being human and imperfect.

Beauty doesn’t mean I look like a swimsuit model.

Even with all the work I’ve done in the past with my self-esteem, I recognize that it’s still something I have to regularly nurture and feed. Crazy that self-esteem is something one may always have to work on.

I’ve learned in the last year to be emotional, too. I finally discovered Love, and that it’s imperative to feel and express it. And I learned that I, too, could be loved, in all my faces, all my days, and all my experiences. That was probably the most dumbfounding lesson of it all. It was an AHA! moment, where suddenly I recognized that I was worthy of love. It’s been almost five months since that realization hit me. I still think about that, and frankly, I’m still surprised by it.

Those things being said, even though I recognize and have learned about it, I believe I’ve yet to fulfill my life purpose. I still have to be able to teach these things– to show these things, to share these things. Perhaps in doing so, I am conquering my control drama– the aloof part of me– by outwardly and openly teaching rather than being silent.

…which is a very good reason for me to become a psychiatrist. Yes, I want to help find a healing drug for many mental illnesses, but I also want (need, have a spiritual purpose?) to share the great many things I’ve learned along the way– my own self awareness, my own self understanding. It is a great and magnificent path, but I’m confident and know I can be (am?) a good teacher.

*exhale*

I feel like I’ve sort of danced around the issue here, but alas I’m exhausted and it’s time to rest my brain. This much thinking in one evening can be dangerous.