I found a note lying on the ground as I walked to class tonight.

It said, “You are a goddess.”  Amazing.  I picked it up, and continued walking. Sometimes it takes a little reminder from the universe that I, the powerful creator, am also a goddess.  I am a part of god.  A part of the energy that IS god.  I don’t believe that there’s some masculine being in the skies dictating our every movement.  There’s no omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent “He” up there judging our actions.  In fact, there’s no sin, no heaven, and no hell.  There is an energy, bereft of definition, bereft of shape, size, or character.   This energy is a law of nature, like gravity, magnetism, and attraction.  It is the very life energy that drives good-naturedness, compassion, and love.  Love isn’t just an emotion, it’s a life drive, and everything is composed of it. (exit the soapbox hippie)To know this as my definition of god, and to be confirmed via anonymous note from the universe that I am a goddess, will help you understand the magnitude of my feeling overwhelmed today. As you already know, I am a powerful creator (goddess).  I create everything that exists within my life.  I created the most amazing friendships, most extraordinary manfriend, most beautiful, complementary roommate, and now… my Dream Job.   I am so accurately on the right path towards reaching my goals that I can smell, hear, feel, see, and taste it.  It’s tangible, and I have my golden ticket.  My hopes, aspirations, and desires are now right *smack* in my face.

To realize that these goals are realistic scared the shit out of me. My goal is to go to medical school.  I now work for Children’s Hospital for brain surgeons (no less), and am meeting students who are living my dream.  I am meeting doctors who epitomize my end goals.  I am making acquaintances who know my future academic board… people who I anticipate will love me enough to offer a letter of recommendation. Knowing this, and acknowledging that I created it, scares the fuck out of me.  Like run-and-hide kind of scared.  Like, holy fuck, am I really going to do this kind of scared.  As in, Do I really want to make the crazy goddamn sacrifice that is my life to have this goal that I want so bad that I can TASTE it???

It’s horrifying to me because the answer is unwaiveringly YES.  Yes I want it.  Yes.  I have no other life goals than this, and to give up this would be to give up everything that I want from this life experience.  Not everything. This is a goal that will take priority above all else.  This means that my relationships (if any of them last throughout this endeavor) will suffer.  I could easily fall in love now, and then three years down the line, leave it all behind.  My friendships may not weather the stress of time and unreturned phone calls.  My efforts may be directed selfishly and I might not be there for my relationships when I’m needed.  I may make decisions that put my own interests first, and I might hurt people in the long run.  I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself, too… giving whole-heartedly into love, and then breaking my own heart for the sake of achieving MY dream… my fear, I guess, is that I can’t have it all.

Perhaps that’s just the pessimist in me.  Perhaps that worry is a negative prayer that will make my fears eventually come to a head… Tomorrow, I will look and feel differently about it all, I’m certain.  Tomorrow I won’t care that I’m risking and sacrificing so much for my own personal satisfaction.  Tomorrow, I am a goddess. And today… Today, I am a goddess, and today I have the world in the palm of my hand.  And that kind of responsibility scares the hell out of me.

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